Date older women :)

Great post:

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/02/16/the-case-for-an-older-woman/

Hands off

I’m a bit exasperated still in a phase where I don’t want to use strategies to get something, and realising more and more that if I want anything to happen in this phase, I need to do the work on myself. That means identifying my deepest fear, and changing that underlying pattern.

I’ve been doing exactly that for the last four days in my NLP training, and it’s been quite confronting. I’ve also reached this point where I know what the deeper-lying issue is. This may sound dramatic, but my deepest, underlying fear and conviction is/was that I’m worthless.

Confronted with this, I’m not entirely sure yet how to deal with this. I’ve done some exercises and things that have transformed it, but my awareness of this deep conviction makes me slightly uneasy. Like a kid that’s been in the basement and the door is open, I’m never sure when it’s going to pop up and be awkward. I feel strongly for throwing him back in because I don’t know how to deal with him (yet), on the other hand I really want to deal with it.

If I don’t the only other option is refining my ego-structures, the strategies and mechanisms I use to hide my feeling of unworthiness. Becoming more skilled, smoother, getting more knowledge, getting status… I know it’ll get me my rational wants but will it ever satisfy me on a deeper level? So this is very confronting.

Will deal with this feeling for a while, see where it takes me to really confront it and accept it, transform it into something positive: I’m super worthy! That also means amassing experiences that affirm that belief. Keeping check on my negative feelings, accepting them and transforming them. Enjoying life! Which is hard when I feel this so close to my chest.

I’ve been moving slower with girls, but it’s frustrating me. I feel like being more agressive, even though I know it’ll also take me back to needing the confirmation to feel ok. I was having lunch with a friend of mine who’s built his life around this structure: he’s been together with his girlfriend for thirteen years now. They’ve had rough times but now they’re at a level where they can have a bad temper around each other, be themselves completely without fear. This gives him great security and confidence. This is what I, and a lot of you I presume, are trying to do by ourselves, without other person. It’s the hard road, a road that I’m cursing a bit right now But patience, positivity and persistence eh!