Answers vs daily practice

Here’s a thought: a lot of what we do on this blog is look for answers. As we’ve seen many times, the same answers keep emerging, and we keep on saying: ‘but it’s so hard! I know what to do but I can never keep it up!’

We ask ‘But how?’ – as if we don’t know. By going inside and right up to where our fundamental unease is manifesting and confronting it with an open heart, saying: ‘What is it you want from me? What can I do for you?’ Every time. Every hour. Every day. Freeing up the energy that we would otherwise lose in useless circles of thought. Like a gardener, gently weeding.

I think here lies a big answer for many of us. We all know what to do, but don’t consistently do it. Call it lack of discipline, or failing to keep the big picture.

I’ll have an epiphany, see some truth, adapt. I’ll try to apply my new insight on every single situation. If it doesn’t work, I’ll slide into old habits or make a new one, which then again starts manifesting as I lose flexibility and the ability to improvise. And so the cycle continues, breaking and rebuilding and sometimes I wonder if I’m making any progress at all, as the same things keep coming up.

So here’s to staying on our toes; staying on the edge so we can remain grateful, conscious, balanced, focused, peaceful, present, confident.

Concrete patience

I was thinking about the patience thing and I think I need to sort the floaty stuff from the concrete changes I want to make in my lifestyle, way of interacting and managing my time. So here are some of my concrete action points – that I think are a reflection of my true and deepest sticking points – that I will focus on:

- No running away from my company anymore. Whenever I’m somewhere talking to someone: stay, and focus on the person and the conversation. Don’t look around for other people. When my mind wanders, bring it back.
- Keep my approach and banter skills honed though. Go out alone once every two weeks, or with someone that will let me run game. Go and talk to girls. Break through my internal barriers. A bit like doing adrenalin sports: keep the edge. I can see how this is counter to the first point, but at this point I still want this and I don’t know how to combine the two.
- Don’t play dancing monkey with girls just to get sparkle in the conversation. Assume rapport and even if it isn’t there, go for neutral to breaking rapport.
- When I need love, call or get together with my girl and male friends. I have plenty. Give them my love. Invest in my close circle.

I read this which is useful: If you are feeling completely calm and level-headed right now, you could easily do what it takes to [...]. Truthfully, the most powerful thing you can have going for yourself is the ability to not really care one way or another. Showing a lack of neediness is highly attractive and it brings a level of patience and insight that will skyrocket your chances of [...].

So what I need is more level-headedness, not really caring so the neediness is gone. Until now, I’ve been dealing with neediness by getting girls – they would soothe me for a while but not fundamentally heal me. That I can only do myself. I didn’t say by myself – I also want to be there for and with my friends and family. Not needing any strange girl to save me from loneliness. Yes I know this is basic stuff, but it’s the way that one deals with it that is essential. I’m really weeding out all the dependance on results here, and still looking to be successful. It’s a whole different mindset.

I went out yesterday and tried not really approaching, just flowing and letting things happen. I got together with a crazy girl friend of mine, E., who’s got a boyfriend but is still tons of fun to hang out with. She took me to this birthday party and introduced me to every single girl (as in, every girl AND every girl that was single). This was a lot of fun as all I had to do was smile and be friendly, and I’d go from one conversation to the other. I laid back and let her do the work. As I was surrounded by girls, I didn’t try to be all manly and dominant, just laid back and chilled. Previously, I would have wanted to prove how social and friendly I was and pushed the interaction. This time, I didn’t want to come across as a player (I’m sick of the resistance it calls up, I want a different approach), so I laid back let them take the initiative – and it worked! The girls were talking to me, and it was easy for me to hang back, flow with them and enjoy the attention.

On the other hand, there was one girl I was more into, and I talked to her a bit more than with the rest – but never trying to force anything. This went reasonably well, but then we went to another bar and a guy who was more active pulled her attention and she was gone. He out-gamed me, easily. I didn’t do anything because I’m not going to try and prove that I can do it; I know I can if I want to, but from now on I want attraction to come purely from how intrinsically interested I am in a person (not just girls) and not from what I would like to be or prove. Basically, the skills I’m learning now are still way below par to keep a girl with me against an active player (he was, I saw him chat up three other girls the same hour).

So I’m looking for some kind of assertiveness, a way of being active without being pushy. I’m not worried though, it’s the first time I could see the benefits of hanging back and I need to get used to this new style. So for the next few weeks, I’m going to practice starting from laid back and gently experimenting with ways of sparking attraction from there. It’s like starting all over again, but it feels right.

For those of you that are wondering why I would do this (and yes, I’m also talking to dissenting voices within myself – @Angel, ‘gut feeling’ consists of so many conflicting emotions that it’s not just a case of following it, as most of the time it takes me all over the place. There need to be some guiding principles. Agree or not? – here’s a summary:

- I want to be more present with my friends and have good moments with them. Balance my love for the hunt with chilled, good times.
- I’m sick of being a ‘player’. It calls up so much resistance that just makes my life hard. Girls that are a bit more shy stay away from me and think I’m a man-whore. Other girls don’t even give me a chance. Guys challenge me to ‘play this girl’ or prove myself. I don’t mind being successful and getting called on that, but it’s not even that. It’s just the reputation, and it’s no good to me. I know all about being non-apologetic but it’s another thing altogether to brew up a storm of resistance against yourself when you’re with people. I’d rather be known as a fun, intererested person that happens to really like girls ‘and could you blame him’. It’s similar to being a player, but with a completely different tension – and in my view, the way of doing it is nearly opposite. And people will actually help me instead of work against me, as is the case now. It’s in the small things, some of which are listed above in my concrete action points.
- I want to get to grips with my restless nature. It’s been controlling me for god knows how long, and I need to master it if I’m to master myself.
- I’m tired of trying and doing my best with girls, it only makes me feel like shit. Taking out all the reactiveness. And finding another source of motivation and attraction.

Epiphany about convictions

I just realised a simple truth about why a lot of pickup doesn’t work. Hold onto your hats! Say that you have a conviction ‘I’m no good with girls’ or ‘no girl will every really like me’. Then you read The Game, and you see this guy become super successful with women. You think: ‘Yes! I want that!’

And you learn a whole lot of lines and you start going out, and you begin to interact with women and lo and behold! – some of them actually think they like you and you even end up sharing the bed with them.

But what happens? After a while, it all starts to feel empty. In fact, you feel even worse than before, because did all those girls really like you? Or was it for the tricks and routines?

You see, one fundamental problem hasn’t been tackled here. In fact, it’s gotten worse because your conviction that you’re really no good with girls has only been strengthened by the fact that you’ve been using tricks and manipulation to get them to like you! This is why the community is destructive in certain ways.

So what should you be focusing on to change this conviction that lives deep within you? Find deep connections. Strengthen your friendships, your family ties, and create a real bond with new people you meet. This will slowly strengthen your other conviction (you can have conflicting convictions about yourself; the strongest wins) that you are a good person, that people do love you for who you are, and that new people in your life are bound to see this.

Many PUAs are loners, because they feel they’re on a path no-one understands, and they go out there believing that sometime they’ll prove the world wrong. Do you see what’s going on here? A person folds in upon himself because deep down, he still doesn’t feel loved and he’s preventively rejecting other people to not have it confirmed that what he’s doing is not generating more love in his world. It’s a lonely and cold path that I know very well.

So if you feel like you’re not surrounded by a warm circle of friends that love you and cherish you just the way you are; if you can’t throw a party and be sure it’ll be a success (however you want it, drinking Gatorade in your living room watching South Park or thrashing a discotheque), you’re not on the right path. Cool guys have company!

At least that’s what I think. Your thoughts please…

Reading Tip: David Deida

So I started reading David Deida’s ‘The Way of the Superior Man’ recently, and must say I’m impressed. I’ve pretty much read most of the big books out there on seduction and love, and still this one made me gasp with its new insights every so often. It’s one of those books that makes you snigger and say ‘So true’ every ten minutes. OK he does get a bit floaty here and there, but this might also be something I just don’t get yet

It reminds me of Frank B. Kermit’s ‘Everything out of her mouth is a test’, even though I like this better. No in fact, I think you should read them both. Frank B. Kermit is a lot more concrete, giving practical ways to implement the insights he delivers. Only, his insights themselves are formulated in such a way that they serve more to intimidate than to give you hope. Yes there are some truths a man must face in order to step into his power and shoulder his fate. It seems Frank B. Kermit is pushing his readers, looking for soft spots. Looking at it now, he probably does it on purpose to show the level of unfazedness you need to have. Kermit’s ways to implement are gold. If you have his ten basic skills mastered, you’re set for some solid success. Sadly, they’re not that easy to master – at least, it takes a LOT of practice.

I haven’t found this in David Deida yet, that leaves me wondering sometimes how on earth I’m supposed to do what he says. I get it, but I can’t see, hear and feel it yet. I’d love to see it in action. I just saw on his site that he has a book called ‘Instant Enlightenment’, a “rude awakening” through a collection of daring exercises and practices intended to provoke, challenge, and immediately reveal the ever-present “love that lives all things.” Anyone read it?

The biggest lessons for me, personally, was the concept of living on your edge. I’ve seen this theme come back under all kinds of names. Hans Comijn at Zan’s Amorati described it once as the man that pursues his adventure in life, joined by a woman. Most PUAs advocate bringing the girl into your reality – which implies that you have your own reality. David Deida added onto that for me by saying that you must always, in every field of your life, go looking for the edge. Not overshooting it by miles, but constantly pushing it.

Instead of trying to be some rock star pimp, be one step pimpier than how you are today. Instead of whining about being a millionnaire, start making a bit more money than you do today. Train until it hurts. And when you’re with a woman, ‘ravish her’ with all you’ve got (love that word, ravish).

Wherever you are in life, you need to be pushing your edge. Get close to your fear and get to know it. Get to know yourself under pressure. Don’t hide from your fear, get right up in its face and lick it.

Another thing that I found very interesting: a man is always looking for freedom. He can do this in two ways. The first is by finding some kind of challenge and breaking through it. Like sports, working towards a goal, picking up women. These are ego-based activities. When we win, it liberates us from this ego, we transcend it, and feel the rush of being free. The paradoxical thing here is that we choose to enslave ourselves to our egos, just so we can free ourselves from it. Think about it.

A second way to go about finding freedom is by transcendance. Mediation, the power of now, acceptance… are all practices geared towards an ego-less state of inner peace. Many of us are looking for this but if you’re a bit like me, you’re scared that once you reach this state, you’ll lose your edge. Something in me doesn’t want to give up the ego-based stuff because it’s FUN! Beating someone ass in rugby, conquering a wave while surfing, going out to bars and owning the place… do I seriously have to trade that for meditation tea parties and sunday-morning yoga walks? I realise that if you have that kind of peace, the ego-based activities mean nothing anymore, but still… I’d love to hear your opinions on this!

One last thing. About masculine and feminine polarity, and realising that you attract the kinds of women that are your polar opposite. Me, for example, I attract and am attracted to very feminine women, with a masculine edge to their character. Which implies that I’m very masculine, with a feminine edge to my character. Anyone who knows me, will probably agree that this is the case. So what do you attract, and what does it say about you? It’s about choosing the woman that chooses you. About stopping to pursue a woman the moment your interest in her is greater than hers in you.

And about not letting her femininity faze you out of your masculine energy. This last point speaks to the nice guy – jerk continuum: when you react to a woman testing you and playing up, you’re actually giving into it – whatever you do. Being a man implies that it really, fundamentally, doesn’t bother you. According to Deida (and I’m inclined to agree), a woman testing you is just a fact of life. In fact, it’s her way of loving you, by seeking out your soft spots and making you be the best you can be. A woman that does not test you, does not love you.

And she sure as hell won’t get the best out of you. Fantastic lesson! The testing will never be over, so any of you that are looking for that girl where they will be able to rest their heads and ‘just’ be themselves: you might either be chasing phantoms (because you’ll never find her), or you’re chasing the wrong thing (because you’ll find her and realise it’s not what you want).

So in summary, if you haven’t read this yet I strongly propose you read David Deida’s work, soon. It will transform the way you look at things. For me, it implies going from being a tail-chasing player to being a man that attracts women and ravishes them (yeah!). It ties in well with the movement I’ve been making lately, by not letting my loud-mouthed mr. Social dominate, and looking for alternative ways to spark attraction. This meant falling back to where I was years ago, but I’m slowly finding some mechanisms that work for me. More about this when it’s at a higher level! And all your help is welcome of course. For example Angel, when will you tell us about passive attraction?

Guest Post – Fizmo – SMS and phone game

Phoenix asked me to write a guest post about Phone game and sms-game, and since I am such an attention slut, I am gonna obey his command.

First of all, let me say I don’t really like phone or sms game in the long term. It’s nice to build some anticipation or curiosity, but I wanna talk to a girl face-to-face, so I can watch her reaction and expression.

There are no ‘general rules’ for phone game, every girl is different and the most important problem is that girls are very mood-dependent. One girl can reply or pick up the phone as soon as you try to reach her, other girls don’t feel like talking or are annoyed with things and just ignore your messages. So how do you deal with this? What follows is my way of seeing things and a method that fits my character. I am more of an ADHD, extravert, direct type with the fascination and imagination of a 5-year-old.

How to choose between SMS or calling?

I tried both; both seem to work and to fail sometimes. I used to be the type of guy who called the next day. Just a friendly, weird conversation to let her know I had a great time, I wanna get to know her personality more and intrigue her with my life and lifestyle, without going for a date (which I go for after the second or third call or SMS). What I noticed is that is dependent on where you got the number from her. Was in it a crowded, loud, hectic place where you didn’t have a long and interesting conversation (a bar, a festival, a club… ), then I wouldn’t advise calling her the next day, cause you didn’t really have a lot to say and it just shows some kind of neediness (in those places girls get approached more often and you quickly get to be ‘one of many’). In those instances I would advise writing an intriguing SMS (more on that later). If you had a good, long converstation (maybe in park, in a library, coffeeshop…) I would say call her the next day or the day after, just to keep her in the mood of being happy to talk to you.

What if she doesn’t reply

It happens; you don’t always know what goes on inside a girl’s mind. I always try three times. The first time I call or send a SMS, sometimes I decide to leave a voicemessage (I definitely do it by the second time). The voicemail I like to use is something like this:

“(ironic voice) Do you know how much money you’re making me pay here. I know who is gonna buy the first round if we ever gonna get together. (go over the top-voice). I planned the greatest day of your life, but I don’t know if I feel like doing it again I would say, call me up and see if you can convince me of giving you another chance… If you dare to do it, cheerz!”

Pretty arrogant message I know, but I like to set boundaries from the beginning. I don’t like girls who don’t answer messages, because I can’t count on them, so you have to be firm in this from the beginning. It’s a grounded message, where she has to do the work, and she has missed an opportunity, not you.

What’s the time I leave between the three messages? I would say send a message or voicemail the day after you had a long, good conversation, 2 days after if it was a short conversation, three days is the maximum. If you ever doubt about sending a messages or phoning because you think it’s too soon or too needy, don’t send it and do it the next day. I improved my game by always sending or phoning a day after I actually wanted to contact the girl. Take this into account especially if you really like a girl (relationship material) and you feel like you are getting too clingy.

Send the second message or phone about a week after you send the first (have something to do where she can come along (e.g. a party, you’re shopping, stand-up comedy, exhibit…) The third message or phone I would either send it when you have something really cool and you going to it anyway and you want her to tag along or when you use an all round message that you send to multiple girls, just to trigger their interest (you would be surprised how many girls reply to this, even after they haven’t seen you for a long time).

An example of such a sms message is:

“Hey, what about our superromantic date where I take you out to Mc Donalds and you can order anything you want of the menu, live a day like a princess, while I serenade you with my Coldplay songs. Let me know if you can handle it, x

If they don’t reply, keep in touch once for a while when you feel like it; sometimes you catch girls in a good mood and they wanna meet and you can continue where you left off.

My sms game

I like to get girls in a roleplaying-scenario. I refer to something we talked about in our first conversation or a nickname I gave her. She can be part of a fairytale (princes), a sportswoman, a journalist etc … I try to keep the messages funny and enticing, without giving the impression that they HAVE to reply. Let me keep you some examples (which I just came up with).

- Princess: “Hey, milady, I just found your glass slipper at my doorstep. Meet me at the ball tomorrow, I’ll bring my pumpkin chariot”. You can use all kinds of fairytale sms: breadcrumbs that lead to your place, her being in her ivory tower waiting to be saved, to save her from the evil witch, that she should stop cleaning the house for her evil sisters, she should stop sleeping to wait for a kiss by a prince…

- A sports woman: Hey, it’s your personal trainer here, I hope you had you fresh cup of vitamine C, because if you follow me, I am gonna take you to the top, all you need is some discipline. I am gonna stay in touch to see if you follow my schedule, because we are gonna get that gold medal at the Olympics in (whatever sport she does), grtz

- A journalist: Hey Lois (pointing to Lois Lane), I expect your report by tomorrow on the meeting at (the place where you met here) with the important businessman (fill in your name). Don’t leave out the details, I count on your honesty and intuition. And could it be that I saw you flying outside yesterday with a queer guy in a carnival suit with an S on his chest? I hope you are ok, cheerz (you acting like you’re the chief editor)

These are low-key sms which generate interest. You can’t keep sending these texts, they are just a buildup to meet her and to escalate further. They always assert a dominant frame where you tell her to fit the role that you ascribe to her.

My Phone game

Some people say call whenever you feel like calling. I partly agree to this, just because of the fact that you are relaxed and feel at ease when you are waiting on the phone (not impatiently) and feel ready for an amusing conversation. But if you do feel some nervous energy or impatience, try to get yourself in a good state, do something else first or first call a friend to get you in the mood. I personally like to call between 6pm and 8pm, because it’s a time girls don’t have a lot to do and are in a less stressful state (mostly). They got back from work, had time to relax a little, are at home, are going to eat and most girls start doing things (sports, going out, … ) starting from like 8pm. At least that’s my experience.

What do you talk about? Well, try to keep it light and amusing, tease her a little, be interested in her life (not too much though), talk about your day (don’t talk about it as being boring, if it is, make things up and go over the top (e.g. I robbed a bank today, helped an old lady cross the street, donated money to the child cancer fund and ran through a red light and had to escape the cops). Keep the conversation positive, nothing negative in conversations in sms or phone game in the beginning when you first start seeing a girl. If it develops to a relationship you got plenty of time to let that part of your personality shine through.

If you meet a girl in the beginning, you want her just to be fun to hang around with right, so do the same. Some people say ‘keep the converstation short’, well, if the girl really is eating from your plate you don’t have to keep it short, but try to be the first who ends it though, that way you stay dominant and show that you also have other things to do.

If there is an awkward silence, just stay firm and don’t let it bother you, if the girl is engaged in the conversation she will try to continue the conversation and if all fails, I always like to go over the top. e.g. if a girl says, you are so quiet or says you sound different, you can say:

- Quiet: Yes, I am sitting here all alone with my favourite blanket over me, and a cup of milk and honey, listening to some boyzone records, I try not to cry but it’s difficult (all of this with an extremely over the top, pathetic voice)

- Different: Yes, I am hiding from three ninja’s here, they try to steal this secret document I have to deliver to you. I don’t know if I will be alive the next time I see you, but I promise I will fight to my last breath.

You get the idea.

To finish off, here is my original SMS text message, which almost always triggers interest.
You send to the girl this message: “Wish me luck”

Almost all girls will send a message back with “ I wish you luck, but what’s it for?”

Then you reply: “Well I bought a lottery-ticket today and if I win and you’re a good girl, I am gonna buy you a pony.”

It’s great because you put the girl in a little girl frame and you can ask her to come over to check the digits to see if you won. If she asks later, ‘did I won the pony?’ you can always say ‘I don’t know, I wanted to share this joyful experience with you’)

Well that’s it for today, keep your head up and enjoy life,

Yours Truly,

Fiz

Love

What do you think?