I’m so tired. Tired of wanting, of craving, of finding it unfair that these beautiful, great women aren’t with me. Tired of wondering what the fuck I need to do to be with someone that I truly love. I know all the answers, but guess what, no-one is coming along or I’m not doing it right. And I see plenty of others not doing it right and still ‘getting the girl’. I’m also tired of wanting to ‘get the girl’. I hate giving up, it serves no purpose. But I’m sick of trying, sick of fighting, sick of putting effort into finding what I want and how to get it. It’s the beginning of summer and I don’t feel like going through it alone again, going out late, looking around… I just want to chill and have a good time, be with my friends and someone I love, and forget about all the rest.
What I’m also tired of, is knowing that this is a phase, that it will pass and that when I finally get what I want it’ll probably be when I’m already tired of what I wanted and I want something else. And so the story continues…
I don’t always run behind on my schedule like this but lately, it just feels like it. As I’ve done many times before in this situation, I’m letting go. Come what may. No more wondering if this is what I want or what I should do, does it feel right? I don’t really feel like having a girlfriend unless loving her makes me forget about the others. That’s not happening to me for the moment, and I’m tired of wanting others and tired of wanting to meet someone that makes me forget about the others. It’s an eternal trap that I’m stepping out of – I don’t want either anymore (like a little disgruntled boy eh)…
See you soon.
3 responses so far ↓
Wim // July 14, 2009 at 1:05 pm |
It’s astonishing that you come to the exact same point as me, a few months ago.
It’s true, we all put too much effort into it. Especially when you like at your friend with so-called “no game” who gets drunk and kisses two girls when you’re thinking if you social proof/alpha value/state is sufficient :p
Which leaves me a this point: I don’t hate the community, but I do try to share as much as I can with others guys at the beginning of this path so they don’t have to go through all the same meaningless ordeals we went through.
phoenixriver // July 14, 2009 at 1:51 pm |
Hey Wim,
Thanks for your thoughts.
When I look at the other guys that started out around the same time as me, we’re all more or less coming to the same conclusions. We started thinking we wanted to be and would be rock stars with these killer pick up lines, then realised there’s more to sex and relationships than that, and that for us to get real satisfaction, we’d have to become real ourselves and challenge ourselves to overcome fears and limitations.
Like Jeffy from RSD says (I love quoting them because all of these guys say things that are very useful), you can choose to become a better manipulator, or a better man. Most of the guys I know started with manipulation, and are working on becoming better men now.
But in defense of manipulation; if you read Herman Hesse’s ‘Siddharta’, you see that the protagonist also engages in different kinds of worlds before settling into the one he sees as his chosen path. Likewise, I believe that I wouldn’t be able to grasp so truly why and how manipulation doesn’t work if I hadn’t explored it extensively and come up cheated time and time again. If I hadn’t done this, I would wonder eternally whether or not there is some gain to be had there, and whether or not I’m being stupid doing it the hard, thorough way.
So when you say you want to share as much as you can with people stepping into the community, I would say don’t deprive them too much of the experience of ‘meaningless ordeals’. You know as well as I do that nothing that compels a person is meaningless. Most you can do is point the way to what you think is a better way to deal with their intention of getting the lady part of their life handled so that when they realise that the quick fix pill of manipulation doesn’t work, they don’t fall back into their old frustrated ways but embrace the path of growing up as men and personalities.
Wim // July 14, 2009 at 2:03 pm |
I agree that no objective is truely meaningless, however a part (part, not whole) can be faster and less painful.
Still, it’s something I think about… I see much more in how for example my friend Konsti teaches, based on a realistic expectations, baby steps, and emotional awareness.
For that reason I also look forward to Jeffy’s 9Ball. I hope it will bring some more realistic expectations in the community.