Verges

I feel like I’m on verges today. Not a verge, but a couple if not many. There’s things at work (I’m leaving and have my own company), there’s the end of the year and my flatmate leaving, there’s friends coming and going, some disappointment I’ve caused and experienced, and then there’s women. I lost one girl I really liked, am seeing someone I half like, am thinking that my ex is about to come back in town, and generally I feel kind of powerless and useless about this last part. Not just my ex, but the whole thing with girls. I just don’t know anymore. I know that I should define what I want, but I wanted this one girl and it didn’t happen. I know it’s about dragnet, not about one specific thing, and that it’s good feedback. I guess I’m just digesting things and wishing I didn’t have to digest but that I could be enjoying the laurels of realising my dreams. But on the other hand I feel like my exhaustion is like the exhaustion is that of the unemployed: always tired about something while they don’t really do anything.

On some fields, I am realising my dreams. I don’t mean to complain. But when it comes to women, I don’t know anymore. The whole dynamics of it has lost its value to me. I’d like to flirt but I don’t have the energy for it, nor do I see the point. I don’t like the feeling of loving someone and afterwards, feeling like a dumbass for having done so. Oh, and in conclusion, the whole ‘hold back and play it cool’ thing now officially goes down the drain – if you like someone, make it happen! No need to push it, but you do need to make it happen. That means not saying ‘I love you’ the first week, but taking the steps to see her and get to know her immediately so maybe at some point you know whether or not to say ‘I love you’. If not, at least you haven’t built all kinds of air castles around it.

I feel like I lost a hand somewhere, somehow, and that I didn’t stick to myself. Just don’t know where.