Quick notes on my Sunday night ruminations (tomorrow I leave for NYC!):
- I can’t help feeling like a loser for not being successful with the bar girl. I understand it’s stupid, and that it’s a limiting belief of me to think that whenever I really, really want something, it’s going to be really, really hard to get. Let’s just say that I’m aware of it yet again and it fills me with a form of hopeless exhaustion. I know that it’s not like that, that I’m getting many things I previously thought impossible. In a way, I’m even acting up like a little child. And yet, it simmers inside me, a brooding unrest and insecurity.
- I met a girl that I like. We might end up having a relationship! Yesterday I was with her and it was a great day. We were walking on a second hand market when who do I spot? Yes, the bar girl with her boyfriend. I sided up to her at a stand and we talked briefly. It felt kind of right; she with her guy, me with my girl. Peaceful. Like there was nothing I could do. But I was uneasy for a while and I had to make an effort to get back with my girl. It worked though. But here’s the feeling it leaves me with: that in this year since I’ve broken up with my girlfriend, I’ve gone from desperate man slut to friend zone hugger to merciless party player to this latest thing called a boyfriend type, the kind of guy girls want to be with, or not. Someone wrote a metaphor for me at my NLP course in which I was a bunny that devoted all its time to chasing the other bunnies instead of building its site from which to go. This hurt, and hit me, and is sticking with me. Consequently, I spent the whole week working hard and feeling good about that. On the other hand, it also gave me the feeling that I really wanted someone to rest my head with in the evenings when I was exhausted from putting all my creative energy in my work. Someone once told me that I’d either spend my creative energy on women or on something else, in which case I’d need a woman to support me rather than be the object of my life’s intentions. So I have a feeling that’s where my life is flowing towards, which feels good.
It also opened the flood gates within me. All of a sudden, all my need for togetherness, homely warmth, all my neediness for putting my head on someone’s chest and sighing out, came rushing back like a memory. People seem to know about this new girl, that I like but that still has to battle with the vision of someone else in the back of my head, and I’ve had at least three people saying how happy they are for me and that it’ll be good for me, that I’m ready. The worst thing is, they’re probably right. It’s like this last year has just served to bring me right back to where I started, full circle. When I think of my previous girlfriend I suddenly wonder why I needed to break up with her if this is where it would have me end up. There is nothing inherently ‘better’ about this girl than my previous girlfriend.
OK, I know I’m focusing on external things. I’ve changed, matured and have a deeper understanding of myself and others. And I can’t help but think that I could have learned those lessons without breaking up with her. Either way, I’d probably have learned these lessons. Funny, whatever I do, the lessons are the same 
and it’s precisely this that makes me feel so powerless for the moment. I still get caught up in fantasies about girls that I don’t end up dating, and I still end up with girls that I like but that forcedly stand in the shadow of some other goddess.
I have a lot to learn. Am I actually learning anything?
