It’s not over

Cruise, you were right. It’s good that I didn’t get my way. And, even cooler, my acquaintance with this girl is not over

After my not-so-cool text message (‘I like you!’) after which I thought it was all over, I discussed the matter with several friends (something I rarely do but on matters of love, I wanted to hear everyone’s voice). Some of them thought I should forget about it, others thought it was perfectly ok and that I should just keep in it. So what did I do?

I left it for about a week and a half, then showed up with two friends and a girl that I’ve been seeing casually, in the bar where K works. When our eyes locked, I just smiled, lifted my chin in greeting, then looked away. I was talking to my friends when she tapped my shoulder – she came from behind the bar to talk to me! Same thing as before – supercharged eye contact, playful messing with each other, all good. She took our order (a real hostess :p) and I went to sit down. We didn’t have much contact that evening, I sat with my friends and we exchanged a smile here and there. Then, when I left, I didn’t see her so I just sent her a short text (three words) to which she replied in the morning. All right!

So from now on it’s Mister Cool: no more sending texts except maybe invitations to cool events; making sure I’m present in her life, right place right time kind of thing. Like yesterday – I go so lucky! Well, preparation met opportunity: I had to be in the neighbourhood of a snack bar the owner of the bar where she works has just opened, so I passed by to take a look after my appointment. I had kind of hoped that she would be there, and of course her friends are nice as well so I though I might as well get to know them, anyway it was highly unlikely – but there she was! So I ordered a milkshake and sat with her, shooting the shit and basically loving her style. Such a cool chick

I’m actually glad it went this way; the image I had of her when I didn’t know her yet is making place for an understanding of who she is, and I still like her! I would guess that the urge to be with someone immediately when I like them could flow from the fear of being disappointed, of having your image distorted and as such, the feelings that flow from it. This is what you were referring to Cruise?

Another thing that I learned from this episode, repeated to me by one of the coolest guys I know: the ability to be burning up with inside and staying cool on the outside; to be able to be patient even when I have no control over what’s going to come, even if it means the risk that she meets someone else, or that I meet someone else; to just get on with my life, stay open to new people, even though my ‘heart’ is saying I just want to be with this one person. The romantics reading this will go ‘NOoooo…’ but try writhing around in your bed for a week after sending a sob text asking for love, and then expecting to still feel like you have a pair of balls. That’s not even the matter – it’s about allowing yourself to enter into someone’s life gradually, something I’m not particularly apt at. In fact, the more enthusiastic I am, the pushier I tend to become. Or tended, because from now on… right.

And another thing: of always carrying my own fate, and never letting the control of that slip away from me. Not in the form of some identity that can make all the choices for me (the Ruthless Picker Upper, the Sensitive Sucker, the Conscious Cruiser :p), not in the form of a woman that can save me from misery, not in the form of losing myself in some kind of addiction, even sports, that doesn’t really fly with my vision on where my life’s going. That’s a big one for me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about self-development lately, or rather on its use. Look here: many people that engage in it don’t really change. They just find an excuse to ‘accept’ their weaknesses, they master the lingo that allows them to swerve out of any confrontation or real feedback about themselves (‘I’m not rude, I’m being myself’;'this is my challenge, I’m working on it’;… and yes, I’m guilty on all counts) and that’s that. Maybe I’m looking at it from the wrong angle, but aren’t you supposed to become more able to deal with the world and its challenges? Anyway. Also in myself, when I look back I do see change, but it seems where I learned the most was by trying things out, doing something different, and learning the lessons from it. Or noticing where I had been doing things in a certain way and finally seeing the feedback. What I want to get at, is that reading books about this stuff hasn’t really helped me – the only thing that’s helped is when I read a book, and started applying it immediately, incorporating it into my life. So I would say to anyone reading this that sometimes reads about self-development: don’t skip the exercises. Create the habits, in real time and real life! Go one book at a time, and don’t go on to the next until you’ve mastered it.

Aspects of change

I think the two main elements for change in your life are the Will to change, and Perseverance. The Will isn’t as simple as it seems: it needs to be clearly defined, long-term and you need to consider the downsides of achieving it, as well as the objective behind the change – will it solve the problem? And why on earth should you have to change? Once that’s sorted out, you have to perservere – deciding to change does nothing, concrete action needs to take place, on a sustained basis. If there is none of that, there will be no change.

Waking up

Guys, I love this! Thanks for you honest feedback and your vision on me, yourself and the game.

Angel, this is as much your blog as it is mine so feel free to share anything you want – if you want to do a Guest Post, just let me know.

Cruise, thanks for the elaborate analysis of our games. I can’t disagree, and thanks for the abundant compliments

One thing, what’s MM and what’s BPU? I try to forego acronyms so I get lost in jargon…

I'm just kidding - no I'm not really

About your feedback. I’ve had a bit of a rough week because the ‘bombshell’ woman I was after has been appearing and disappearing from my life. I went for a drink with her on Tuesday evening (scraped my guts together and texted her, and she actually came!). This was good, only I had an appointment with another friend of mine and she didn’t stick around, after which I was incapable of concentrating on the second friend as my heart was beating like a jackhammer. Damn!

So I did the inexcusable: I texted her the same night, confessing that I liked her. The frame in the back of my head was that of genuine fondness, and openness, as in: when you like someone, let them know. Anyway, she didn’t answer and I haven’t been in touch since. I’m not really sure what to do here; I know she has a boyfriend and her not answering can have a multitude of reasons that I just don’t want to concern myself with. My question is, should I just keep on texting, setting up another meeting where hopefully I can go a bit deeper with her (here the comfort that Angel is so good at comes in!), or do I leave it alone for a while and get on with things?

Time for some oversight and inspiration:

I was reading Paulo Coelho’s ‘Manual of the Warrior of Light’. Well I opened it at a certain page as it contains a quote with explanation on each page, and this is the one I got with the above question.

A warrior of light knows that certain moments repeat themselves.

He often finds himself faced by the same problems and situations, and seeing these difficult situations return, he grows depressed, thinking that he is incapable of making any progress in life.

‘I’ve been through all this before’, he says to his heart.

‘Yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart. ‘But you have never been beyond it.’

Then the warrior realises that these repeated experiences have but one aim: to teach him what he does not want to learn.

And that is exactly how I felt this week! I have the limiting belief that when I really like someone, I’ll lose them. It’s like I have a mechanism that nearly wants it. Another thing is, that when I really like a woman I still place her on a pedestal. I had the same thing last year with a woman that affected me as much as this one. I was texting, mailing and calling with her regularly, then met up with her in London (she was English) and it was pure magic. Then I broke up with my girlfriend, went back to London and told her that I loved her and that I’d move there to be with her. I bet you’re all cringing like a kick in the balls now eh – well so was I. Afterwards, when I realised how stupid that was. Romantic and brave maybe, but stupid. Her literal words were ‘I just really want to run away now.’ Cringe

And so the same thing happens here: I fall in love, and I lose it. I begin to think that the rules don’t apply here, that this is different. That I should just go for it, open my heart, make myself vulnerable. And part of me still wants that, even now. That’s what makes it so hard for me to distance myself from her, because that romantic ideal is craving fulfillment – be it glory or heartbreak. It’s a conflict of parts, of convictions within me, because I also know she’s just another girl with her own little issues, and more girls with their little issues will come. I know that she is only as high a mountain as I make her. And like I said in my previous post, I kind of like this feeling as well. But on the other hand, if it tears me up this much now, how will it be when we get together? It’ll only get worse, as being together is in no way salvation from the insecurity of losing someone or their attraction to you – on the contrary. And another thing is, I guess she instinctively feels that and turns away from a guy that falls too quickly – as she knows she can play me if she wants to which is hardly interesting (I know).

I might be putting it a bit too dramatic here as well – while I was with her I did well enough, so it’s not like I turned up at her work crying with a bunch of roses or something. But you see the point – I think the slightest hint of this neediness, because that’s what it is, turns a woman off. How ironic that it’s this very neediness that blares out at me when I turn on the radio, watch TV, read books… Is this then a human weakness that is ubiquitous yet overlooked? Maybe it’s just me, but it seems so clear it doesn’t work to be this kind of sacrificial martyr of love, and yet it’s elevated to the highest form of love and ‘being yourself’ all over. It’s fucked up. Or I’m fucked up. Either way, I’d like to get to a point where I can decide I want to be with someone, believe I deserve her, and ultimately be with her. That’s what this whole thing is about for me, choice! A friend of mine yesterday told me that in love and friendship, there can be no such thing as a strategy; that you can’t plan how and when it will evolve. I have to admit that I do kind of see his point, you can’t force things like love and friendship. But you can give them a hand – question here is, where is the line between authentic communication with an aim to get closer, and conscious manipulation? Help me out if you have any suggestions.

Another thing that this whole episode has done for me is wake me up violently. Not getting the reaction I craved from this girl, K., and also what that made me feel like, has made me question and put in perspective many things that I assumed about myself. The undertow of this movement is: am I doing with my life what I want to do with it? You know how when you start wondering why a girl doesn’t answer, you start looking for reasons. And on the one hand you shouldn’t worry about that too much, but on the other hand some of the reasons I came up with were pretty pertinent to me – while K. wouldn’t even have a clue what those are. So this is the learning process for me – this whole situation has made me place a very stark mirror in front of myself and it’s up to me to face those things and make a difference to my life. All the tiny supplications that I allow myself for the sake of quick success with women – like being friends with girls just for the sake of having girl friends, and going out more than my body and life plans will allow. Like putting girls in front of friends and sports. It’s a form of immaturity that isn’t unique to me at all, but didn’t I set out trying to be different, and excellent?

Not related really - I just think it's funny.

So to round this one off, I’ll be going into hiding for the weekend staying in, taking care of my appartment, my body, friends and family, doing some sports… In short, coming to myself again. Thank you again for your comments – even when I don’t react to them explicitly, they work in me and question me when I evaluate the fruits of this most interesting endeavour. Rock with you soon!

xPR

I’m in love

So yesterday I met up with one of the girls I really like, the one I thought I fucked up with when I wrote top notching, Patience and messing up. The reason I hooked up with her is that she unexpectedly dropped into my party on Friday! With her boyfriend… They’d just come from Paris and she came straight to the party from the train – not the thing you do after three days of love, no? Anyway, they’ve only been together for a short while so it’s not rock solid. We had a good talk, I also drifted around the party so as not to be too clingy. We texted a bit on Saturday, and I sent her a text on Sunday, to which she didn’t reply.

So yesterday (Tuesday), it was great weather and I thought it would be perfect to go for a drink at the Graslei, in Gent. I asked a girl friend of mine what to do, and she told me to get my balls from the floor and invite her. So I did thanks Nounours And she said she’d come! I was amazed.

So I was there, talking to a girl friend I met there. That comforted me a bit, as I didn’t have to wait and I could social proof myself a bit. She showed up, smiling. I was deadly nervous. But I pulled it together, watched my body language, yanked her chain a bit, got to know her… It was very good. I’d met up with a friend of mine to have some kind of time restraint, so the friend duly showed up and after some slightly awkward three-way my muse went home. I spent the rest of the evening regretting that time constraint, I ended up watching a movie with the friend because I couldn’t think about anything else but the girl.

So I texted her, told her that I like her. I know – I’ve broken so many ‘rules’ on this path it’s not even funny. On the other hand, there’s so many rules out there that you can pretty much decide – be authentic, play it cool… I decided for authentic and letting her know. I don’t really expect her to respond (immediately) or burst out with the same, but I also don’t want to walk around with it, holding it inside. She can know that I like her, and I think she knows I’ll get on with life if she doesn’t reciprocate.

So now I need to get on with the rest of my life which is kind of hard. Yesterday, my heart was beating like a mad drum, just crazy. In summary, I’m SO proud of myself that I went for it, and that I actually had a drink with a girl that six months before, seemed like an unattainable goddess. Whatever happens, at least I went for it and I’ll have learned a good lesson on the different aspects of our meeting.

What I did great:

- I met a girl friend and sat with her, so I was comfortable when she arrived, and I could drop her into my world instead of the other way around (she adapted beautifully by the way).
- I teased her, didn’t go into her too much.
- I didn’t give her all my attention, all the time.
- I let the silences be when they came.
- I listened to her, and kept my own talking short.
- I didn’t try to be anything I wasn’t, I stayed honest even when it wasn’t especially charming.
- I gave attention to and took care of her dog.
- I paid for her drink but said that she could then pay for the next.

What I think I could possibly have done better:

- I could have oversold my job a bit more – it didn’t make a great impression while it’s actually really exciting! I will develop a fixed line to describe my job, as now it kind of stands or falls with the listener.
- I could have decided not to let my friend come and stay with her longer. There was no real reason to use the time constraint (except that she also tried to call a friend so I wanted to do the same, kind of show her that I have a life too :p)
- I could have sat still a bit more, I was shifting around all the time.
- I still stand behind sending the text afterwards (with my feeling), but it could turn out it was not a useful thing to do.

Patience

I was at a friend’s place yesterday. He’s gay, so his interior is like a magazine. He has this golden buddha standing in the living room, holding a golden bowl, filled with golden slips of paper. Each slip contains a word. I pulled one, and it said ‘Patience’. My friend, aware of my recent antics, burst out in uncontrollable laughter. Motherf… So right, I need to be patient.

It’s a sign of maturity to be able to wait, to hold off. I admit: I have had sex recently but not abundantly, so there is definitely some urge in me to ’score’ (the ‘’s are for emphasising the difference between what my body is saying, and what my mind thinks). That urge came out when I met these hot girls, as they spoke to my desires a lot more than other girls I know, that are really cool as well but that for some reason I can neutralise my attraction to easier.

Looking back on my complete history of meeting and being with women, I suddenly see a lot of instances where I was impatient and in being too ‘proactive’, I scared the girl away. Of course, it’s a balancing act as I don’t want to be too passive either, and in certain instances my big mouth and directness has given me great success. It’s all a question of feeling, like my friends Cruise en Kestelkloot said, of following her rhythm, of becoming present in her life without calling for her attention any more than necessary. So the next few weeks, I’ll be focusing on patience, calmness. Something I picked up from Tyler Durden (again): it’s not about the one girl, it’s about creating a kind of dragnet (drag-net) where girls just naturally become attracted to you and you end up with them by being and doing your thing. This is an exercise in discipline for me.

The patience game - so appropriate

It’s funny: ask the advice of your surroundings on matters like these and not only do you get the most diverse answers, from flowers at her doorstep to staying away, but I also noticed how little many people actually KNOW about these situations, or have actually lived through them. Everyone has like two or three, but very little people I talked to (it could be my circle of friends too) have consistently dealt with liking someone and approaching that situation. Some PUAs I know just stay away from these girls and make friends, which is another way of getting close to girls. In fact, I think it should be a combination of being friendly with girls, and indicating a more intimate interest with selected few. And in this second case, in comes the patience. And keeping the overview, not getting lost in thought about it. I noticed I was thinking about these girls way too much, I fell into ’save me’ mode where I thought their love would elevate me to blabla which is nice, but not useful and more importantly, not realistic. Or maybe I’m just a cynic. As you see, always two sides to every coin…

Love to hear your thoughts on this.

messing up

Just a short one – I think both of the beautiful girls I had my eye on are lost cases, for me at least. I guess I overdid it or didn’t say the right thing, or thought about it too much. My own interpretation is that I either needed to get in deep immediately by calling, or back off and take it very chilled by not texting her too much. It caused me considerable pain to let go of the ego thing and accept that in this case, I didn’t rock. In any case, another lesson learnt and I’m grateful for the experience of having gotten so close to such amazing women – they’re out there, and I’m gonna get them!

I think next time I meet a woman that makes my ground shudder (oh yeah) I’ll call the day after – establish myself in her life and get some conversation going, get comfortable immediately. I don’t want to be cool – it’s not me, I want passion and fireworks, not this whole chasing thing where I have to bit my tongue until I lose feeling in it. For the time being at least. Then follow up with lower tempo texts, just to say hi. But I need to have more of a contact first, a ‘habit’ of calling. Let you know how it goes!

And yes, this reeks of an advanced form of supplication. And you know what? Maybe I don’t mind the fact that I chase a girl that I like, or that I take steps consciously to get close to her. At least I’m trying, and I’m learning. I’m sure someday the whole stay cool thing and having her chase me will come, right now it just isn’t me. I’m just a guy, at the bottom of yet another mountain, looking up and keeping the faith.

Top notching

So here we are again. Last time, I said I would be going for bombshells from now on. I am pleased to say that I now have two bona fide bombs in my phone, and sad to announce that I am at a loss on how to handle the situation. The regular rules don’t seem to apply, or my panic is not allowing me to think clearly and confidently.

I’ve been asking and getting all kinds of advice from my friends, but it’s all over the place so it seems I’m stuck to figuring it out by myself, making mistakes until I get the ropes of this and start wondering what the hassle ever was – you know the feeling right

So far I’ve been in contact with these girls by texting them the day after and twice, it started out very sweet, after which I guess I think I slightly overdid it by sending yet another text. In my enthusiasm, I thought I might just as well get the dialogue going, get talking by text. That didn’t work out in both cases, meaning I’m now at a point you could call ‘The First Lull’. I’m sure you’ve all had this: you start out hot, then you start working on follow-up and it seems to fall flat on its ass, and you wonder if you should keep pursuing her or if she already thinks you’re a stalker after four texts

So there I am; my strategy now is aimed at making these girls feel comfortable around me. I tried being direct and that seems to be a bit too much. So what I’ll try now is to offer value, in the shape of fun texts and comments that need no answer but that do kind of entertain her. Not indefinitely of course.

But of course, I’m open to your suggestions. Help!