Harem management

Do women have a natural tendency towards relationships? I believe they have two forces working inside them (I refer to Frank B. Kermit); the mother and the lover. The mother always wants to take control – this is where many tests come from – she sees if she will have to take care of you, how solid your resolve and way of looking at the relationship are. It’s not a war thing – she’s protecting herself.

Yesterday, a girl friend of mine came over. She had a rough day, found her neighbour dead in the garage next door, he shot himself in the head. Needless to say, she was a bit upset. We talked about it, I held her. She wasn’t very reponsive – in fact, she was on the verge of cold. I attributed it to the shock, her bad day. However, her sustained distance made me take distance as well. I couldn’ see myself crawling up to her, trying to hold her limp body. But in a way she was craving comfort, protection. Didn’t really know how to handle that. In a way, I think there was no way to handle it, and I’ll tell you why.

My worst nightmare - fuck this.

We went to a performance, and when we got back she began about ‘commitment’. About how she was ready for sexual exclusivity, while still maintaining the chill pace of the relationship. So not really an LTR, more like a sexually exclusive buddy. Anyway, I wasn’t going for it, especially as we had agreed a week before that it was good as it was, good friends and we liked having sex with each other. I told her how I found we were friends and that we didn’t need to have sex, and that I wouldn’t commit to any exclusivity. She tried to convince me, even asking me ‘to do her one favour’, and then asking me to ‘be what she wanted’. Djeez… I told her that wouldn’t work, I can only be myself and that means no commitment to exclusivity, no relationship. She wanted to go home, I said I understood how she felt. I also said she could stay if she wanted to, that nothing had to happen. That I was there for her. That might have been unnecessary bravery.

So she was going to stay over, but she ‘warned’ me that we wouldn’t have sex. Frankly, I was so turned off by the whole commitment thing that I just wanted to sleep. So we were in bed, and then she started feeling me up! Unbelievable… Needless to say, I didn’t stop her and it escalated. Great sex.

Then, I tried to sleep but she was tossing and turning, and I got up an hour early in a temper because she wouldn’t let me sleep. We left off on a sour note, she half ran out of the apartment, I stopped her, we talked a bit, hugged, she left, called, I said I didn’t like the vibe that had come in and that I felt pressured. I also said I wanted to take her feelings into account, but that she also had to understand that I can’t smell how she wants to be treated if she acts different than how she feels. Anyway. That’s probably it for the time being, or she sleeps well, gets over the shock and gets back to me in the frame where we were before: non-clingy, non-exclusive genuine appreciation and good sex. Or not.

My very own Candy, Mandy and Sandy - coming to a bedroom near me soon

Summary: I’m ok with the way I handled this. It might not have been nice for her, on the other hand she was being obnoxious and trying to establish her dominion over me because she felt I was making fun of her. I didn’t know how to comfort her – I tried holding her but not much reaction, and I don’t like talking too much about how much I appreciate her and bla bla. Maybe she just didn’t want to be comforted, maybe she was looking for a drama. Well, she got it. And I feel relieved for not having to live up to any expectations.

So a lesson at yet another level: harem management. I will stay firm to my resolve to not commit other than wholeheartedly, and not compromise into possessiveness. I believe that this particular woman will eventually come back and that we’ll have the kind of relationship I have in mind. This is non-exclusive yet genuine, based on mutual respect and availability. No obligations unless we both agree to it.

Buddha, or boy?

I wonder if all this makes me a healthy, enlightened being or a scared little boy running away from taking responsibility for other people’s happiness… What do you think?

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