Meeting the peeps

Met up with Cruise and Angel yesterday. Visited some devout Eastern Europeans, then had a drink in BXL. Lots of talk.

Great to see how we all walk along the same lines, makes the path less lonely. Now, more than before, however, the differences in our style appear – whereas before we chewed on the same lines and approaches, everyone is evolving according to their needs. Angel is a girls man, in the sense that he craves their friendship, affection and proximity. He exudes something dependable and very huggable. This last trait he shares with Cruise, who is more analytic, a keen mind with a soft voice and eyes. More of a technician, a thinker, and more competitive and restless.

I’d say my style is, for the moment, rather passive with bursts of spontaneous approaches; focusing on a good vibe rather than attraction or technique, or even result. A viber.

What about yours?

The days that roll

Expect good shit. For the FR-minded – nearly had a threesome on Saturday, and I fell in love today! With unprecedented ease and lightness. And joy. Man, the joy. Angel – yes! Focusing on your life is the best way to find a steady relationship. Or steady relationships. Would it be a step backward to be prepared to commit to one of those?

Out of this focused absence
insight has sprung like
a fresh leaf rolls from its coil.

(my very own haiku moment)

I’d rather be a gentleman than a playboy

Realising how great my life is, even without women, has elevated my state of mind. This morning, I started talking to a girl lining up at the airport check-in, just casually. We ended up sitting next to each other on the plane. She tenderly talked me to sleep. I thought about her all day. All the while we hung out together, I was excited and alert, yet at the same time relaxed, filled with trust in myself to instinctively (unconsciously knowing) act in accordance with my level of attraction. It turned a conversation into an emotional exchange. I love being a bit distraught at the thought of someone I like leaving. I love the softness in me, that I hide for no real reason.

I made a risky confession to her; I wrote to her that I thought about her all day – which was true! In Pualand I would probably put against a wall and shot for this, or have ‘AFC’ burned into my scalp. I just loved to put myself out there. Is it not a sign of true courage to be prepared to risk all and face the consequences – and are the potential rewards not far greater? Coup de foudre, or a lesson to be learnt. Foolish courage, maybe. But saying something like that and meaning it felt damn good, regardless of what she thinks about that. Imagine that she feels the same way, how cool would that be!

And if that doesn’t work, I’m going with Nouvelle’s plan

Merry Christmas guys!

The rise

So now you’ve seen the lowest point: confusion, loneliness. Don’t think of me as an unstable person (or do, if you must) – I’m merely displaying the range of states that lives inside me. I believe that I should shun no path or possibility if it promises to teach me something; that’s why I’ll go and give everything up just to see if I’m fooling myself with some kind of goal, looking for a gratification that is finite rather than endless.

So the holiday thing: in the beginning I was still riding on my momentum of before, then it dropped dead as my efforts declined.
Lesson one of my pickup life so far: no effort, no result. Easy enough.
Lesson two: I haven’t been going for what inspires me, for the girls that rock my world. Still afraid to be rejected, which I covered up by going with girls I felt comfortable with and that I was almost sure of getting (on the other hand, the better I get, the more every woman falls into this category, so it’s kind of a shifting standard. Not sure what to make of that yet, as this could mean that I will inevitably fall into the same situation again).
Lesson three: my life goes first. First fix my life, learn to enjoy it, then add women. Women are an enhancement of my life, not the direction of definition of it.
Lesson four: Friends. Friends are essential, and if I forget that one more time I’m going to tattoo it on my dick so I read it every day

The new direction: I plan to go for the women that really do it for me. I will get rejected often, and I will desensitise myself to this again (I’ve gone soft in the meantime). I will only engage and escalate when I really want to. Because I have shifting feeling that much of the dissatisfaction I got from gaming and that I see around me, comes from not really being with the women I really like, that I really want. On the other hand however, is it ever enough? Once you start selecting, isn’t there always some better choice out there to chase? Yes and no, think about it. Getting to know someone adds value to your connection, so breaking it off is a loss of investment. Having to start over and over is not the way to go, not for me at least. So at some point I believe in settling for certain women, like you do with your friends: they don’t all have to be PERFECT! I used to think they did, and that’s lesson five, which has given me plenty of joy since I realised this (again). Imagine actually being happy to be there with a particular person and not being in search for more excitement, more coolness… whatever. Might sound superficial but it’s more of an urge I’ve had to fight, thinking I would one day ascend to join the semigods. That’s bullshit – if your friends aren’t good enough for you, you suck as a friend and what cool person would ever take the risk of liking you…

Starting from scratch – Expect good shit from here on in.

Oh and do comment – if I’m talking rubbish or should just pick myself up and stop whining, I won’t know unless you tell me.

So where are we at? I’m still on ‘holiday’, not actively sarging. The last week I’ve been lonely. No girls, no sex. By choice, I realise, as the women around me were always there, waiting for me to open up again. I’m in the irritating vacuum between inertia and longing. Thinking I don’t feel like going out and sarging or approaching anyone, on the other hand I’m yearning for something I can feel but can’t quite define (something between excitement and comfort, like meeting an amazing new girl and feeling exhilirated every time I see her, and knowing that with every time we come closer together), and drifting away from my clarities.

This is mainly in the woman context – the rest of my life is on fire! I’m seeing my friends a lot and it’s flourishing; my business is starting to take off; I’m taking better care of my body and I’m beginning to see the results. So in a way, it’s a good period to not be busy with women – I have enough on my plate. And maybe that’s the thing, that I need to build my life up around me and live according to my principles. Stand rock solid in my reality, or solid enough to look outwards again. I have a tendency to hound myself, to think that I can take on more, do more, add on another thing, live as if there are 48 hours in a day and get frustrated when I realise there aren’t. A sprinter without finish line. And this is great at times, because I can push myself over the limit and surprise myself. Other times I overdo it, and have to recover afterwards to the detriment of the buildup.

Another thing I’ve come to see is that even though I’ve been with women, I can’t remember getting ‘the prize one’, the one that completely rocks my world and that I want. I’ve always kind of flowed, and in my flow things happened and I went along with them. I’d talk to many girls and when I saw that it was on with one that I found acceptable to nice, I’d go for it, sometimes even forcing myself just for the sake of it. That’s a long way off from seeing a girl, and deciding that’s the one I want, and going for it. Easy enough to see why: too afraid to not be able to get what I REALLY want. So I take little failures, and little victories. Which leads me to the following uplifting conclusion: time to go big league on my ass (here I go forcing myself on again, gotta love it ). Go for the women that hit me in the face, and dare to fail with them. But at least go! Try it out, and get better at managing the level of stress that comes with getting so close to my wildest dream that I can smell the sweat on its back as I chase it.

It all starts with resolve, with clarity. It’s about a year ago that I read the Game and decided to DO SOMETHING. A bit later, I started going for it, and saw my ‘game’ evolve to a point where I had to restate my goals monthly. I started easy, with just walking up to any old girl and talking to her. Then came the numbers. Then the sms’es, the mails. Then the kiss. Sometimes a date. Then, in June, when I broke up with my girlfriend, came the sex. At first halting and anxious, then more and more confident to the point of pickiness. And then, slowly, relationships. Girls that want more. Girls that don’t answer my calls, or never call themselves. Girls that get boyfriends. And me, shifting, sliding, in the center of some busy cloud of single-minded intention.

And now, a year on, I find myself in a spot that feels similar to one I’ve been before: harsh winter times, Christmas at its best and worst. The recap of a year, paying the bills. And I’m paying with loneliness, but also with a smile, and with a few good and some new friends to share it with. I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I’m tired now, I need some rest and then I’ll slowly gather the strength and zest to go out there again, to go for the women I really want. Big league baby, big league. Feel the sadness, and myself burning up bit by bit. Savouring this moment yet afraid to let go and burn up. Like hanging onto a thorny stick over bubbling lava and knowing I’ll have to let go sometime. Addicted to suffering, the Buddha would say.

Anyway, peace and love guys. Thanks for reading this stuff, and for commenting.

Girls talk

I like this, it’s sweet.

Weekend toasters

Just had a heavy weekend; two parties in a row. First one was mine – me and my flatmate, as well as the upstairs neighbours, all threw a party together in one night. Everyone had to come dressed up in white, and I’d decorated my flat in blacklight. It was amazing! The flat was full of people, beautiful girls, great music from the DJs… I was dressed up like a pimp (pictures available on request ) and had a great time! The commitment girl came around and I talked to her but by that time I was rather drunk, so I don’t really remember what I said to her. I also didn’t really talk to many other girls, I didn’t feel like it. So no other romantic liaisons there, just a great party.

Partey!

The night after, a good friend of mine gave a house warming. The commitment girl came, but I took her home because she was tired. She was in my bed, and I was to call her when I went out. Apparently, I’d invited her to come the night before and she knew all about the evening at hand. She had come to my place earlier and helped cleaning up, so I felt a bit obliged. On the other hand, when I left the house warming party, I went for a drink with some friends of mine and didn’t call her. I just didn’t feel like it, and in a way she was beginning to feel like a hassle to me. Then at three she started calling and sending texts, after which I told her I’d be back soon, having a drink. She got pissed off as she also wanted to go out still, but I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic to have her join. I was having a good time with my friends, met some old friends while I was out, and at the time she called was chatting up a beautiful brunette in a basement bar. I got a bit blunt, and she left my place, leaving a voice mail that I erased without listening to. I felt relieved – the whole episode with her made me feel uncomfortable, like I had to like her now. That kind of obligation is about the biggest turnoff anyone can give me.

Then the thing with the brunette got out of hand; she was there with her roommate, a really cool guy called Peter. I took turns talking to them, and liked them both. They had a weird kind of relationship going, she was renting his room and he was off to Italy. Anyway, I was into this chick so when she went to the bathroom, I timed my piss stop accordingly and bumped into her in the loo. We talked, I kissed her. She didn’t really recline, but didn’t kiss back and mumbled that she couldn’t. She washed her hands and suddenly her roommate was standing there, eyes ablaze. He demanded to know what she was doing there with me. She started wimpering that she hadn’t done anything, he threw her into the toilet! I pushed him back, he pushed me into the wall and asked me if I was trying to seduce her. I said ‘Of course I was’, and started laughing. So they were boyfriend and girlfriend! These two cool people suddenly turned into a pile of blubbering misery and fucked upness. I walked out of the toilet shouting ‘You’re fucked up, man!’. They continued to argue and pull me into it for another hour, but I kind of ignored them. I used to have a girlfriend like that and vowed never to get into that kind of a relationship again. Now, with Eckhart Tolle and other things that I’ve been reading and thinking about, it seems further than ever. How can people get so angry? On the other hand, it scares me a bit to be able to be so dispassionate – because what happens to passion then? Or in what frame are peace of mind and passion harmonisable?

But my faith in the beauty of love and attraction was soon to be restored. I came back and some guy was wearing my jacket! I walked up to him and told him it suited him wonderfully, he laughed and we started talking. He was there with a Portuguese girl that was leaving the day after, a mysterious, slim artistic type brunette. Beautiful, beautiful girl, and a great guy, and obviously they were very into each other. The guy, M, was also really comfortable with himself and in showing his appreciation and love, which I thought was amazing. An inspiration.

Remember the Evolution Phase Shift?

Then there was the bar girl, a stunning blonde with beautiful features (not just the face ). Not cheap or slutty, also artistic, mysterious, and very feminine. Gotta love art chicks… Anyway, I always thought I’d never get to talk to girls like that, the fact that they’re behind a bar and getting hit on all the time… But I was just hanging around, and when the bar was starting to close, I ended up half behind the bar talking to her and some others. I tried to stay cool and succeeded quite well, we had some good laughs and she showed me her grave voice (very cool). Then we talked about Facebook and she told me her name. Yes! I added her the next day, without comments (thanks Nouvelle). She put a comment on my profile about my look the previous night – I replied with a video and something. She replied back really short, but good: ‘Haha – allright!’. I went on in the evening with another reply about the Allright, but probably came over too enthusiastic as I didn’t get anything back for the last two days. Two conclusions: I still become really self-conscious when I really like a girl but I’m getting better at dealing with it, and second: I need some advice on how to handle social network contact with a girl that has a boyfriend but that I want to get to know.

Bar woman

And final conclusion: I was talking to Fizmo and Love2Seduce yesterday, and felt the surge of urge to sarge come back – I think I’m ready for new women! Feels like the end of a cycle again, breaking off with the ‘ok but not amazing’ commitment girl (girls, there’s another one that’s faded out in the meantime) and going for the ‘really nice’ ones. The next level? What I can definitely say is that I’m more comfortable with myself, that I can wear a wig to a bar, stay there alone and still pull my weight and have fun without feeling self-conscious or stupid. That I talked to this amazing bar girl and made an ok impression is something I’ve rarely experienced (if ever), so I must be doing something right.

Just on another note: I wonder if I could/should progress quicker, of if I’m going at a good speed? I sometimes think of these well-known pickup artists and how they seem to really rack them in. Do they struggle with the same things like how they should be feeling and with whom, where all this is going? Do they wonder about this, and do you think they should? Or is that just like losers whining about trivial shit? It’s the Ciaran argument all over again I guess. In any case, what I’m looking for now is a/some great girls that I genuinely like, that is a challenge and that I will fuck over and over again with pleasure. So far, I must admit, I’ve felt my lust for a particular woman fade away quite acutely after one or two times. Guess I’m a cheap slut huh :p but seriously, I really want to be genuine and it bothers me that I can become so suddenly indifferent. I believe there’s some hard truth staring me in the face there and I’m not looking at it. If you know, feel free to enlighten me. I feel encapsulated in my fixed beliefs and comforting thoughts, I think I need a wake up call and some fresh experiences. Something fascinating.

Fascination

It’s funny, every phase I start feels like I’ve just rediscovered the hot shit, and it ends up feeling really normal on the verge of stupid and trivial to me, like it never really meant that much. Is there a level at which I’ll suddenly be pleased with it all, or will it just keep going like this.

It also reminds me of Angel’s phases comment (Short Thoughts); I think I kind of fell out of the steady phase again and need to start again. Let me reframe so you immediately see how I feel about it: I get the chance to start again, and go for what I want this time (ambiguous huh ). It feels liberating and demotivating at the same time: where is the love?

Let me know what you think, your comments are invaluable to me!

Harem management

Do women have a natural tendency towards relationships? I believe they have two forces working inside them (I refer to Frank B. Kermit); the mother and the lover. The mother always wants to take control – this is where many tests come from – she sees if she will have to take care of you, how solid your resolve and way of looking at the relationship are. It’s not a war thing – she’s protecting herself.

Yesterday, a girl friend of mine came over. She had a rough day, found her neighbour dead in the garage next door, he shot himself in the head. Needless to say, she was a bit upset. We talked about it, I held her. She wasn’t very reponsive – in fact, she was on the verge of cold. I attributed it to the shock, her bad day. However, her sustained distance made me take distance as well. I couldn’ see myself crawling up to her, trying to hold her limp body. But in a way she was craving comfort, protection. Didn’t really know how to handle that. In a way, I think there was no way to handle it, and I’ll tell you why.

My worst nightmare - fuck this.

We went to a performance, and when we got back she began about ‘commitment’. About how she was ready for sexual exclusivity, while still maintaining the chill pace of the relationship. So not really an LTR, more like a sexually exclusive buddy. Anyway, I wasn’t going for it, especially as we had agreed a week before that it was good as it was, good friends and we liked having sex with each other. I told her how I found we were friends and that we didn’t need to have sex, and that I wouldn’t commit to any exclusivity. She tried to convince me, even asking me ‘to do her one favour’, and then asking me to ‘be what she wanted’. Djeez… I told her that wouldn’t work, I can only be myself and that means no commitment to exclusivity, no relationship. She wanted to go home, I said I understood how she felt. I also said she could stay if she wanted to, that nothing had to happen. That I was there for her. That might have been unnecessary bravery.

So she was going to stay over, but she ‘warned’ me that we wouldn’t have sex. Frankly, I was so turned off by the whole commitment thing that I just wanted to sleep. So we were in bed, and then she started feeling me up! Unbelievable… Needless to say, I didn’t stop her and it escalated. Great sex.

Then, I tried to sleep but she was tossing and turning, and I got up an hour early in a temper because she wouldn’t let me sleep. We left off on a sour note, she half ran out of the apartment, I stopped her, we talked a bit, hugged, she left, called, I said I didn’t like the vibe that had come in and that I felt pressured. I also said I wanted to take her feelings into account, but that she also had to understand that I can’t smell how she wants to be treated if she acts different than how she feels. Anyway. That’s probably it for the time being, or she sleeps well, gets over the shock and gets back to me in the frame where we were before: non-clingy, non-exclusive genuine appreciation and good sex. Or not.

My very own Candy, Mandy and Sandy - coming to a bedroom near me soon

Summary: I’m ok with the way I handled this. It might not have been nice for her, on the other hand she was being obnoxious and trying to establish her dominion over me because she felt I was making fun of her. I didn’t know how to comfort her – I tried holding her but not much reaction, and I don’t like talking too much about how much I appreciate her and bla bla. Maybe she just didn’t want to be comforted, maybe she was looking for a drama. Well, she got it. And I feel relieved for not having to live up to any expectations.

So a lesson at yet another level: harem management. I will stay firm to my resolve to not commit other than wholeheartedly, and not compromise into possessiveness. I believe that this particular woman will eventually come back and that we’ll have the kind of relationship I have in mind. This is non-exclusive yet genuine, based on mutual respect and availability. No obligations unless we both agree to it.

Buddha, or boy?

I wonder if all this makes me a healthy, enlightened being or a scared little boy running away from taking responsibility for other people’s happiness… What do you think?