Sundays in bed

Went out with Haya and some other friends yesterday. Had a great time, he’s such a cool dude for his age! We went out with a good friend of mine, J., and two German guys that were visiting. We started in a jazz bar with A Chouffe beer, and ended in the Charlatan sitting at the hearth outside with rum and cokes. Talking with each other and the people present, getting numbers like it’s the most normal thing in the world – which it is, when you think of it! No rules, no obligation to do anything, just pure fun feeling and flowing. I instinctively started talking to some girls, loose, free. Not expecting anything but the interaction itself, moving it forward effortlessly and without attachment. It was beautiful. Just did what came naturally, and allowing myself to do that felt really, really good.

I slept over at E’s, a girl I’ve known for years and have been on and off with sporadically, and who I met up with at the Charlatan. About E.: I’ve known her for ages but only see her every two years or so. It seems we’re really beginning to understand each other with age. I can let myself flow with her, be myself. Funny eh, the one day I’m moaning about how I want a meaningful emotional connection, the next week it’s on here. This is why I’m glad I’m writing this down, so I can actually track the miracle of the universe I didn’t ask for an LTR, and it isn’t. Our agreement is loose and based on respect and basically knowing we can count on each other for good company, whenever appropriate. In other words, exactly what I wanted.

On the other hand, I’m not taking care of myself physically. I do sports, but in the weekends when I go out I’ve been smoking, and drinking copiously. I don’t get piss drunk, just slightly over tipsy. One side of me says it’s just bla bla see here I go again, looking for something to improve. I think this is kind of the disease: always wanting to improve. It’s good enough as it is. I don’t have to do anything. And when the moment comes where I have to make the choice to smoke or not, that’s when I should question my motives and resolve. Or at least, that’s what I will experiment with now. Living in the now.

Things that I’ve observed about myself so far:

- I’m vain and I love it.
- I like being stroked.
- I love my friends and hanging around with them.
- If I act differently, people around me act differently. If I want to defuse a situation, all I need to do is defuse myself.
- I’m probably difficult to talk to for some people, because I have a tendency to direct the conversation and I like to hear myself speak. This can be good sometimes, and annoying at others.

And so on. Many masks have been pulled from me the last few days, and I’ve managed to let them float away. I’ve also forgotten about them. I still don’t really have answers, but I feel lighter. Like the answers aren’t needed, and my system has understood that.