Regression – serenity?

I’ve had a weird few days. Came back from Florida on a cloud, ran into some obstacles and realities here, and suddenly felt out of it, insincere. Crashed down in a sense, lost my ‘identity’ that I had been building up while away. Relieving now that it’s happened, I feel like I’ve regained my perspective on myself in the larger picture.

Thoughts that come up are: stop trying so hard. No need to complete synch with a person, to have perfect communication. The intention is worth something. On the other hand, there is the NLP saying ‘it’s not the intention but the effect that is the true goal of communication’ – so taking responsibility for my communication. On yet another hand, this has led me to not take responsibility for myself and my integrity – in a very subtle, creeping way as I was elsewhere without checks to my evolution. You could also see this phase as a limiting belief, that I am adopting beliefs that I left behind here. conclusion? No truth, only gut feeling. And this feels right. I feel right. The Phoenix crashes and is reborn once again…

A bit tired

Sometimes I grow rather tired. You see, I’m working hard to improve my skills, take certain elements into account etc. I start feeling like I’m stretching myself out. Maybe trying too hard?

In any case, I’m getting into this unapologetic vibe, where I just think: ‘I don’t care if you like what I say or not, this is who I am’ instead of ‘Is this what the person that I want to be would say?’ My philosophy is that we are constantly somewhere in between those two. I guess I’m out of balance and going from too much wanting to be to just wanting to be myself. What do you think?

Concrete examples: I accidentally sent an SMS to A. that was intended for J. It was harmless but sweet – and she replied with quite an enticing comment including the terms ‘little bitch’. I answered quite ardently, maybe too much, not leaving much to the imagination. It was one of those things, I knew there were probably better things to say, smoother, smarter, but I just wanted to tell her that I wanted her and that if she was up for it, well, judge for yourself: ‘Seems like we have a bad girl on our hands… Let’s burn until there’s nothing left but ashes and the smell of our sweat xxB’. I still have to smile as I read it – so audacious. But I’m not sure what the effect will be.

In a way, I feel like making mistakes because I’m holding back certain things for fear of seeming ‘too eager’. And in a way, it doesn’t feel natural to me. I want to express my desire. And still be attractive. Tips?

Silence

Great post about how to use silence, on Ryan from RSD’s new blog.

On that note. Still working on my three sticking points, but I think I’m good on closing for the moment. Like I also read on Ryan’s blog and what I decided recently: I’m here for the close, for the sex, and nothing else, meaning: this is what it’s always going towards, nothing in between. I will replace this point with using silence. So: approaching the gorgeous women – creating a genuine connection – silence. It’s so hard to chunk-size but it needs to be done…

What she said

Remember the GFTOW-rule for getting over your ex? I broke up with my girlfriend at the end of June. I vowed that I wouldn’t beg to get her back until I’d gone to bed with ten other women. I have to say that around six I had a rough time, I even called her when I was in Portugal but she didn’t call me back to hook up. But I did stick through, and hear hear. Number ten sealed the deal, making me all but forget about my ex thanks to some amazing hours filled with beautiful sex. She was 36, a power woman in her company (we met at a conference in the Gaylord Palms, Orlando). Curvy, luscious. Fantastic lover. What I like about her age is that she’s seen everything, there’s no embarrassment or need to prove anything, just pure enjoyment. Do you also get turned on when a woman dares to be ‘verbally appreciative’?

The best line she said: “You know what I like about you? You don’t put up with my shit. Everyone else puts up with my shit.” I have to say, that was a beautiful moment for me. Best thing is, I wasn’t trying for it, it just came naturally. This woman has had me mumbling ‘I love women’ for the past two days

As a side note, I met a really good-looking Slovenian girl at the airport. We locked eyes, I smiled at her, she smiled back – we had a moment. I walked on, five minutes later she walked past me. She faltered – I had to say something. “Where are you flying to?” Not the same flight. We talked a bit, which was nice, but I was thinking “where do I take this? Coffee, a nice chat, then emails? Or toilet, a quickie? Or nothing?” I ended up just talking to her for ten minutes, she taught me how to say “I like you” in Slovenian, and then she gave me her email. Your opinion: what else could I have done?

My friends

Just a small post to let you know that my good friend Nouvelle from Athens and his four J’s have just started his own blog. Check it!

Yesterday

Was at a reception for work yesterday, and ended in the piano bar of the hotel. Had a great night talking to my boss and other people, just generally relaxing and getting to know my colleagues better. Right at the end I was talking to some guys I’d just met when a woman appeared – I can’t even really remember how we started talking. I do remember that she gave me the eye while we were talking (the eye=looking at you straight and not looking away with kind of a blank stare that basically says ‘fuck me’). So we talked a bit, and suddenly we realised that we were out on the terrace all alone…

She asked me what my name was, I kissed her on the cheek as one does when meeting a charming young lady – well, young… She was 36 but in my opinion hot as hell. Curvy, a power woman. Beautiful face. And witty, sharp. Love strong women! Actually, earlier in the night I was talking to my boss and we agreed that educated women are the hottest, the dirtiest. Intelligence just gives an edge to every endeavour, including sex.

But back to the plot. I kissed her on the cheek, she looked at me like ‘Yes…?’ so I said: ‘Or do you prefer it like this…’ and started frenching her. She responded immediately – great kisser! Succulent… anyway. It was hot. We went to my room and had amazing sex, in a really relaxed fun atmosphere.

That’s what I like about experienced women: they’ve been there, there’s no pretences or tension. You’re just there to have fun and good sex, and some conversation. So I felt extremely relaxed, did anything I wanted to do, and just had a great time! Plus, afterwards, no ‘am I going to see you again’-situations because we’re both adults and we know what it’s like. Loved it!

So why did she pick me? There was still about ten guys on the terrace, all of which she could have ‘picked’. She said she saw me and while she thought I was arrogant (I told her that that was just her insecurity speaking, that she was looking at confidence :p), she also thought (and I quote) ‘Grrr… I want him’. An example to demonstrate the difference between what women like (confidence, like another cool guy that she indicated but that is nicer, cleaner) and what they respond to (rawness, unbuttoned shirts)? It’s the third time the last two weeks that this happens: I don’t really pick up, the contact just kind of happens and we end up in bed. They choose me, and I guess I don’t make too many mistakes to turn them off. Is this true pickup, where women do end up choosing? Not that I mind getting picked up. I would say this is Inner Game pickup, where just who I am attracts women. So the more I emit, the more women I attract. And then there’s the Outer Game pickup, where I would choose and make her want to choose me, which is a lot harder for me. Also, I’ve worked more on Inner Game lately so these are the results of that.

I tried to create some attraction with two other women that night, and didn’t really succeed. I did ok, better than an average guy I guess, but still not good enough to entice them. So I think there’s work on my outer game, the ‘I pick you’ game, which I will focus on a bit more from now on. Without letting go of the relaxedness of my Inner Game of course ;p

Old love

Remember the English girl, the second f-close I had in Athens but didn’t really do her because…? well, she’s coming over to Ghent end of November. Not by coincidence, but explicitly ‘to finish the job’. All right… How did it happen? We’ve been a bit out of touch since the end of July, apparently she was really busy at work. Whatever it was, recently we started chatting again and before we knew it, had that great vibe again, laughing and teasing (in IM yes). So it became apparent we still had some unfinished business, and we set a date to get it done!

Actually, I’m also in contact again slowly with the other English girl I was in love with in February but that I blew because I became too eager. Would never make that mistake again (I hope), or definitely won’t with her! Hope that I manage to get closer to her again even though I fear it’ll be a long process… Which is good I guess, some fires simmer and others scorch. How did that go? I sent her a mail saying ‘Song of the day’ with just the link to a song I really liked (‘Everything is borrowed’ by The Streets). She replied, I replied… Not sure if we’ll communicate again but I’m doing what I can to be friendly, cool, not go too far with it and still be a bit teasing and personal. We’ll see!

The hardon thing

When I was in Athens, I had two potential lays, both of which I couldn’t ‘consummate’ because basically, I couldn’t get a hardon. This worried me for a while, and I’ll admit it’s still a lingering issue. One of my conclusions was that I needed to take the lead more and in that dominance, feel more excited. That’s one thing. I also feel that I’m a bit insecure about myself as a lover. Is my dick big enough? Will I do well? Won’t I come too soon? Not that I constantly think about this, but I have this tendency to want to be the best ever, which ends up paralysing me. It’s pure game pressure: I need to play the ball, not the game.

But as I wanted to say: it’s getting better. I’ve effectively slept with nine women since I broke up with my girlfriend, and every time I’m getting more confident. I’ve also set aside the doubt whether or not I want to do it. If I’m in the situation, I’ll do it, no questions asked. That really helped me. The last girl I was with was actually a really hot black girl. We made out in the shower, then on the bed with a friend of mine watching. I find that I can get a hardon easily when I get head, and I lose it slowly as I’m penetrating. Funny, it used to be the other way around.

So I can allow myself to let go of this, to just enjoy it as it comes. On the other hand, I do agree with Frank B. Kermit that when the time comes, I MUST FUCK HER. It’s why I pick up girls, to fuck. That’s also why I made the list of how many lays a month I want to have, so I would keep my focus on the goal and not on impressing other guys with my smoothness or proving to myself that I can get girls so I wouldn’t have to crawl back to my ex. There are other things I need to do as well, like only sleep with girls that I really want to be with and stop making concessions like I’ve been doing practically all my life.

Things I’ve been doing

Things I’ve been working on:

- A list of who I want to be and what I want to achieve, in life and with women.
- A list of women I’ve been with so far – very revealing! I found out it’s less than I thought, and also that I’ve done a lot of settling for girls that were ok and not so much chasing the ones I really want. Now that’s confronting… which is why one of my sticking points is going after the really hot ones, and why I’m dedicated to approaching them.
- A program of what I want to have achieved, when. Kind of a program. I like this because it also makes clear what I’m doing it for: I want a study rythm of having sex, then add in fuck buddies, then start having MLTRs. End goal: in January of 2010, I want to have 3 MLTRs and regular threesomes.
- List of my main sticking points. Still need to work out more what to do about them practically.
- I’ve started a master list of my favourite openers, DHVs, escalations…
- Stuff I’ve read/seen lately: Frank B. Kermit’s ‘Everything out of her mouth is a test’ (still trying to get my head around that, or trying to apply it but it’s overwhelming) – J. Soporno’s ‘Inner Game’ summary – The Mars/Venus book by John Gray (for relationships) – etc.

Catchup

Been about two months since I wrote. Why didn’t I write? Lack of discipline is one, and also the public-private question: should I write everything and risk having some people recognise and be hurt/offended, or keep it all to myself, making it (I admit) less compelling.

Anyway, what’s happened? Basically, I’ve been looking for depth. I managed ok to meet girls, have a good time with them, but I was missing that feeling of just being able to relax and be myself. I had all these principles that I wanted to live by, that I CHOSE myself to adhere to, but I didn’t always know how to apply them. Like protecting a girl’s reputation, or being dominant, taking the lead, or having a woman feel a range of emotions – how do you do all that?

In the confusion that ensued, I reverted back to natural me. Just me, doing his thing. This worked well. I’m self-confident and that alone makes me successful. Only, around certain women I still get insecure. So the women I’ve been with have been cool without doubt, but not really the woman I WANT to be with more than once or twice or as friends.

Bare facts: I’ve been with six girls since my last post at the end of August, of which four I went to bed with. Not bad, so I’m certainly progressing. But I watched the video of Cajun on ‘Keys to the VIP’ yesterday and it showed me how far I have to go. I have moments like it, but I need a lot more work before I get there.

And depth: I noticed that sometimes I’d feel alone, and that wasn’t what I was after. In the end, I want to fill myself with love, for myself and for others, to be able to give without question or demand for reciprocity (within the limits of self-respect of course). In this void, I found myself longing for my ex-girlfriend, and of course beginning to regret having broken up with her. I even called her when I went surfing in Portugal at the end of September, but she didn’t call me back to go for a drink. It did fuck with me a bit, made me sad. I felt lonely.

Also, I felt like I was stuck. I do think my game has progressed: I’m more confident, I’ve had some great times, there are more women around me. Sometimes I think it’s just because I’m busy with it so much – but even that is cool, that is the natural result of my efforts. What I do feel is that I could be progressing more. And I think I found the key to that: I read the free ebook by Sinn and took the point about writing down my three main sticking points, analysing them and working on those, and only on those. So not working towards the close, but solely on the points.

They are:

- Approaching really beautiful women. I feel ok around cute girls, but get intimidated by the ones I really like. So I am going to make a point of approaching these. I was in Miami last weekend and was a bit overwhelmed, but I will keep on trying until I get it down!
- Creating a real emotional connection. Like I said, I missed the feeling in my interactions, the connection, the click. I want that. So I will look for that, and give more of myself so it becomes nicer to receive and be accepted. This ties into my restless nature sometimes; I have a hard time staying in a certain conversation, with a certain group of people. When I start looking, it means I’m not happy with where I am, and in that state I can’t bring the party to anyone. I need to fire up a group and then just flow to another, which may look the same but is fundamentally different.
- Escalating. I hesitate too much, too outcome-driven. I will go for the next step when it is time, and be okay when it doesn’t work. Chill, pump her state and try again a bit later, until it works. I did this quite well in Portugal on my last night there, but at a certain point when I’d gotten this girl into a hotel room and into her panties, I became a bit too outcome-dependent and she went home. It was a fine line and I think I already went far (I hate to say it, but, to my standards), however I think I could have made it. Next time…

So the present: I’m at a hotel in Orlando for work and don’t really feel like approaching or being social. One side of me says ‘take time for yourself’, another says ‘being social is not a switch, it’s a way of being’. I chose the ‘take time for myself’ option, at the risk of sliding into my head. I feel a bit alone I guess, and here comes the ex-girlfriend. I went to bed with two girls this week, and even though I try to keep the relationship even after we’ve parted ways, I can’t help but feel a bit empty. I was thinking just now as I walked down the hall ‘I want a team partner, a buddy that is always there when I need her’. It’s the need behind this that matters of course: the fear of being alone, and this is where I can take time to bless the present and my own presence again. I need to get more discipline in my meditations!

I guess on the whole, I feel a bit tired of it today. So I’ll give myself a break, and let it come to me as it comes. Not resist what is. See you later!