Ghent Festival: Last Day

I slept in on Sunday and went to work. After work, I rang some friends and with five of us, we went to Polé Polé to see our last concert. It was fun; we had some drink fights and generally just had a good time. I didn’t really feel like sarging or even approaching, just having fun with my friends. In hindsight, seems like I didn’t do enough of that lately, always being busy with sarging and then forgetting why. I guess it’s easy to see why: if there’s not enough fun in it, it just sucks. It’s like going to school. On the other hand, practice makes perfect and without putting yourself out there consistently, nothing much is going to happen. So it’s a balancing act, and tonight was getting drunk (or rather: allowing myself to drink, with obvious consequences) like an AFC.

Just a note: my friends are far from AFC themselves so it’s not that bad hanging around them. They know lots of people, are social and fun, give value… only in a drunk, druggy way. I’m now the sober one between them

After the concert, we went to another one, the closing concert at St Jakobs. It was Jan De Wilde, who was replacing Raymond van ‘t Groenewoud but a lot less brio. A girl friend of mine came and we danced talked… Later on we went to the Vlasmarkt, and I met an old class mate I used to be in love with (or wanted to have sex with), Eva. She talked about how I used to be her buddy and I grunted. Then we met a mutual friend, Stijn, who she turned out to have been with! Goddamn… It made me feel insecure and AFC to think of how he’d always gotten such hot girls (it wasn’t the first time) and I ended up in friend zone. I also knew he’d read The Game. So I asked him about it, and also said I’d like to go out with him, see how the real boys do it. He agreed.

From then on, it gets a bit blurry. I was quite drunk by then. Stijn and I walked around, and at some point I must have met a girl, next thing I remember is kissing in a street behind a restaurant I used to work in (we were going to try and get in but couldn’t), then me lying in bed and her arriving, then having sex for hours. Good sex. I was SO horny, and I remember really going for her. Then, when she was just sucking my dick, my colleague called to go into work (so it was about 8.45 in the morning). I did go to work as we were launching a product, and we dropped Steffi off near her home.

I went to work until three and then my colleague dropped me off at home, where I spent the rest of the day in bed, looking at Lost episodes and dozing off until the next morning at 8.45, when my colleague came to get me.

Ghent Festival: 10 Other Girls

I was tired. At six, I picked up Zula, went to the concert, went for dinnner. The coffee didn’t work. It was cosy though, we had really good conversations. Jona joined, that was fine as well. Fre joined. We went to have a drink in the Mosquito Coast, where Emma was working. I saw her but it didn’t seem to be the time as the place was packed and she was working (I forgot about that), so we left after the drink.

It took me a long, long time to get into it. I hung around with the friends at Baudeloo, slightly chilly and not really in the mood, ready to go home at any point. Fizmo passed by, he wasn’t feeling good at all. I have the same thing: all this effort, all this going out, and what do we have to show for it? Not much. Has it been an amazing Ghent Festival? Hardly. Has amazin stuff happened, adventures? Nope. It’s all been in my head, this storm brewing inside and coming out at times. Getting sick of trying, trying and not getting result. Interesting point here: what is result? I think both Fizz and I are actually looking for really stimulating company, a woman to have a relationship with, not just sex. The trouble here, I think, is that I could just as well have stayed in mine if that’s the case: there will always be something that can be better, no-one is ever perfect. So then it’s all been a wast of time.

Long story short: I met Delphine, a girl I’d run into twice already and that I knew from years ago. I used to think she was hot already, but she was only 16 at the time. Now she’s 20, and still nice. So I saw her again, there was an obvious vibe. I talked to her, left, saw her walking by, talked to her, then said:’Delphine, kiss me’. She acted a bit surprised but I could see it was going to happen. For some reason I just knew that it was going to happen. In fact, I could probably have kissed her ages ago. But I did it now. We kissed a bit, then I let her go again. This went on throughout the night: I didn’t bind myself to her, just did my thing, then joined her and her friend for a bit, kissed, left. She came home with me, and we had good sex. I was excited, I got a super hardon, it was just good. Good good good.

I hardly slept; Zula got up at twelve (Delphine had already left to go to her family) and we went for breakfast. We talked about playboys, relationships, being single. About how you get to feel like there’s something wrong with you if you’re not in a relationship. I was doubting my decision to have broken up with Aude again, wondering why it was necessary. I kind of know again, because I had the feeling something more passionate was in store for me, but I must say after all this GF-ing I still don’t feel where I’m going to find that. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong place? How can a big party with 100k people be the wrong place? Fizmo had the same. When I look back on it, it’s a long, cold night with few moments to remember. Nothing deep, emotional, special.

Is that what’s missing in the PUA-community? That warmth, that realness? Because I’m not feeling it. I feel disconnected; alone; sad. I went to bed with a beautiful girl last night and I just finished wiping my eyes clean from crying after seven episodes of Lost. What am I missing here? I’m at a breaking point. Not sure what’s going to come next. I did have the epiphany night on Friday, so I’m hoping something to that effect will happen. Not sure where to take it or the rest of my life from here. Everything I’ve been doing seems so superficial, meaningless, even Emma is like this thing that I don’t really mean. Or do I? Am I gaming so hard, in control so hard, that I’m not feeling anything? Hiding from my feelings, for fear of being rejected? Like Joren said: the vulnerability? I am vulnerable, maybe putting myself out there so much has just made me insensitive. Like I’m a robot, no longer able to juice it up because I’m spreading it out so much.

10 other girls: I may consider thinking about going back to my ex (as if she’d ever have me, but for the sake of it) after I have been with 10 other women. I consider that as fuck closes, where there is a certain degree of intimacy. I’m now up to two, so I guess I’ve got work ahead.

Not sure what to do about Emma; should I chase her and let her know I really like her, or let her be? Or just see how it goes if and when I see her? I’m getting tired of the resistance, the trying, the pushing and pulling. On the other hand I might need rest and she lots more work. Who knows. Time will tell (Thanks Kafer).

Ghent Festival: the Second Friday

On Friday, I slept out until three, worked a bit and fell asleep on the couch again. Then I went to the sauna and chilled out; I needed to relax, spend time with myself, and it really helped. I was still shaken by seeing my ex the day before apparently, spending all day in a mopy mood. I guess it’s something I need to go through; better now than later eh… So I went out for drinks with some of my funky friends; Jona came round with his girlfriend and we walked into town together, which was really cosy even though they kept on fighting about relationship stuff, jealousy and keeping things back. I intervened a little, but of course nothing is solved in five minutes. The only solution I would see is to not put up with it at all, which is what I told a girl later on when she commented on how I reacted to Jona’s girlfriend when she came by all angry saying that he was ‘doing it again’. I said: ‘Get used to it’, which is exactly what she should do. It’s funny; it was like the stars conspired to show me that relationships aren’t all they’re cut out to be, I must’ve had at least five conversations about relationships yesterday.

First we went to Baudeloo, where I met a girlfriend of my sister’s. We had a really nice, attractive conversation about interesting things, like relationships, attraction, my sister, friendship… Really nice. I could see she was interested, and I must say so was I. Sylvie has a really nice face, and beautiful, intelligent eyes. Her body is less but I would mainly spend time with her for her personality and probably good kissing skills

I’ll give you some more background to my mood first: I felt emotional, which also put me in touch with my feelings. I didn’t feel like faking anything, or playing. I just wanted to be, and be genuine. I also wanted contact – I even called my mother to say hi and just talk a bit, which was really nice. I saw Fizmo and he was the best as always, really supportive. Then Jona came, and I carried on the mood. On the whole, this mood of being in touch with my feelings got me in touch with a lot of people throughout the evening, connecting effortlessly and getting me good conversations and easy approaches as after a while I was literally floating from all the beautiful input I was getting. I walked around the Vlasmarkt smiling, saying hello to people I knew, having a good time with my mates. I finally felt like I was in my Living Room again (my expression for owning the club).

And lo and behold, who did I see again? Emma, the heartbreak girl! You’re not gonna believe this: someone must be in my favour up there because she actually didn’t remember most of our last meeting – I could start all over again, knowing her better! It was beautiful; we talked, she liked me but still kept her distance, I didn’t flinch as before, and this time I started adding some compliments, saying I liked her and wanted to get to know her. She said I was a player, and I said she could rely on one thing from me: that I would never lie about my intentions (I got that from the PPT of Zan’s Enlightened Seduction earlier – it was my theme for the night). We talked, she would get distracted and I would walk around a bit more, then come back and talk to her again. So I wasn’t hanging around, but I came and went. I don’t think I could get her alone all the time, and why should I? It would be a major energy drain – maybe I could have, but it felt more natural this way. Could be that I still have things to learn that would allow me to extract her, but at this time that felt like the right option.

In any case; she started saying that she really liked me, but that there was something not there, like the clothes. She was waiting for her Jack Johnson to come and to sweep her away. I said that if that’s what she wanted, she should go for that, that I had the fullest respect for that. I stood there, said it, and just looked at her, smiling. She smiled back, and said she really liked it that I said that. I think she half expected me to go away then but I stayed and I said that I still liked her. We hugged, talked a bit more. She said that if I came to the Vlasmarkt on Monday evening wearing surf clothes, she would fall in love with me. I said: ‘Do you really think I would dress up especially so you would fall in love with me?!’, and she looked at me with that surprised/suspicious look she always puts up when I pass her shit tests, and said: ‘You’re scoring points here…’

A black woman pulled in and started half seducing her. Then she told me to go for her. Then she told me to stay away from her as I was too much in control. She said she didn’t like guys to be this in control at that time in the morning (8 am ;p). I said that it was her fullest right to not like certain people, but that it wouldn’t change a thing about my choice to be in whatever state I chose at whatever time. Again, that suprised/suspicious look, then she took me apart and said I should leave Emma alone, that I knew too well what I was doing. I mumbled something dismissive and she trailed off again. A bit later she came in and hugged me, then told me not to touch her. I pulled my hands off, lifting them with this look of ‘I’m glad you asked’. Again, the reaction was being watched and I think my stress-free unflinchingness made the moment ok instead of awkward had I started apologising or get angry. I was not to be shaken – what a feeling! I felt so rock solid all evening, it was brilliant.

Now about Emma; she doesn’t give her phone number to anyone. She’s only been with four guys. She gets approached all the time by guys (which she also told me). She’s hard to hold onto as she keeps getting dragged off. That’s why I walked around, didn’t ask for her number (or did, by saying she wanted mine. She pulled a disgusted face and then I took her arm and laughed:’You really have a phone number phobia eh’, which neutralised it). I understood better why they had run off so quickly on Sunday night: she’s so used to this kind of approach that she just hooks off and goes when it happens. So this feels like more of a long-term project, as she seems to be looking for Mr. Perfect. I’m not going to start faking it; I like her, I might want to get to know her better but I need to stay on my terms or it’ll be over before it began. So we parted ways, and I’ll be trying to be around her in some way without losing my power. If it doesn’t work, I’ll take the lesson and bow out; I’m not going to get stuck in the expectations game and lose myself in her dreams of Jack Johnson

So tonight a girl friend of mine from Paris is coming over, and I’m showing her around as Frederic, the main friend she has here, has a major hangover. This girl, Zula, is actually the first girl I kissed after I broke up with Aude for the first time in February. I guess there’s no such thing as coincidence eh… Even though I don’t feel like doing anything with her – I will take her to the Mosquito Coast where Emma and her sister work (I promised Emma’s sister I would come and have a drink) – Social Proof baby!

See you tomorrah,

Phoenix

(About that name: I’m beginning to feel the river. Yesterday was River. Flowing, not burning anything as I was going with what I knew or what felt comfortable and easy to approach. Always calm, good energy, non-reactive, genuine, cool, refreshing (for me and other people). I love the Phoenix, the fiery pusher, the ambitious learner, the go-getter, the one that goes for it and isn’t afraid to lose face. He’s the beginning of River, the one that has crashed and burned and regenerated and is now eternal.)

Ghent Festival – Midweek

After the Sunday adventure, I did feel a bit out of it. I felt alternately guilty, stupid, exhilarated. It felt like the big leagues, finally playing at my level. Suddenly all the other stuff I’d been doing seemed so overdone, as if I’d been trying to convince myself that it was interesting while I wasn’t really excited. Being really excited, then, made a big difference to the rest of my week. I learned to feel the anxiety rising in my stomach, to recognise it as being excitement for what was coming, and when possible, to accept it and work with it, turn it into energy. I didn’t do amazing things but I did go out every night, quite relaxed, also trying to concentrate on my company and not running around looking for something all the time.

On Monday night, I went to a transvestite show with my gay friends. I felt raw from the day before, so this was soothing and low-pressure and fun. After that, we went to Polé Polé and there I started talking to a nice girl called Zaza. She had her whale sweater on and sports shoes, but she assured me she dressed otherwise normally. She was cute, and fun. I didn’t get her number – I gave my number to her girlfriend. I don’t think they’ll call – for some reason I didn’t ask for her number, it would have seemed like a come-on and I wanted them to chase me. But of course, it’s not going to happen.

On Tuesday night, I went for dinner at a friend’s place (Jet). She’s had some love trouble and we talked about that, then about sex. I could sense that she felt like it, but I don’t want to with her. We went into town, walked around, she kept on clinging to me and holding hands. I was ok with it, but as she’s not the world’s greatest looker I was a bit reticent as well, also as I felt she was compensating for a lack of confirmation elsewhere. But hey, if I can help out… We passed the bar where Emma works and I think I saw her smoking a cigarette outside, but I focused on Jet and we walked by. I wondered if I should’ve waved, or said hi, but too late for that now. It could’ve gone any way. Jet became downtrodden after talking about how she never got approached by guys (like me), how she had to count on her personality to get laid. That was quite an interesting vantage point: we always go for the good-looking girls that get approached all the time, and in the meantime there are hordes of girls standing on the sidelines, hoping we will do the same with them.

I have been thinking all week of what I would say when I saw Emma again, but it always changes. Also, with the time going by, it’s less and less likely to make any difference.

On Wednesday, I went to Polé Polé again, met up with Fizmo. It was nice, I talked to some people here and there. Then, all of a sudden, thirty metres in front of me, I saw my ex. I was talking to two girls as she turned around to face me. We held eye contact for two seconds, without any real expression. Then she turned away and walked off with her friend. I felt the emotion race through me, but it didn’t engulf me. I did have to breathe deep though Half an hour later I was walking around when I saw her sexy dance with some young guy, it did hurt me a bit but I slid it off. After all, she’s single now and she can do what she wants. I did see her glance over in my direction regularly – exactly, I was glancing over as well. I talked to a nice girl called Inga, who was a bit pissed off with her drunk boyfriend, and got her number. We sent some messages the day after but at some point I half invited her, and it kind of ended there. Lesson: do not invite, let her do it. I could feel us slipping into friend mode though, so I thought I had to do something. Ah well.

Yesterday, Thursday, I went out with some colleagues. We met in town. We went to Polé Polé. I lost them, and ended up with three girls from the night before who were nice. I did stand around a bit too long so it kind of lost its magic. I got Delphine’s number and I think she likes me, only we ended up giving each other little snips. I didn’t really feel like that, but went along with it. I should just be nice to her.

On walking back to my bike, I lost my colleagues and lo and behold, saw my ex again, this time with a guy who had his arm around her. We looked into each other’s eyes, in passing. I smiled lightly, she did too. I looked back when she had passed and her face had obviously dropped as the guy was leaning over her, concerned. Ah well. It hurts, makes me scared, but it’s what it is. It rises in my chest, I see it. I won’t fight it. It is what it is, and I chose for it, with good reason. It’s only when I fall out of everything that I will feel like I lost something there. Of course I did, but what I stand to gain and what I have already gained is far greater than what she could give; or at least, that’s the calculations I’m making.

So, after a week of heavy going out, what’s the score? My body isn’t doing well. My mind is in turmoil for the moment, I’m emotional. I’ve realised a good many things. I’ve met new people, felt the excitement of new encounters. I’ve felt the pain of my ex. I feel rather alone, can’t talk to people anymore. Am I drifting away or on a path to getting closer to people, to myself?

Then I went to a drum n bass party, and just danced. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore, just be. So I became high on the music, didn’t walk around. It was good, and a lot of realisations hit me. Like how every person has the same drive to live, to be there, as me. That they all feel like life is rolling out in front of them, that they’re not as predictable as they look to others. That I always go looking for something that seems just outside my grasp, while it’s actually all within my grasp. Always running away from my friends, looking for others – so who are my friends then? What kind of bond can I build if I’m never there? I’m creating my own restlessness and loneliness.

Ghent Festival Day 2 – Sunday

After sober Saturday I got up at two in the afternoon, hung around a bit, went jogging (forgot about my squash lession – time warp :p), then went to the Festival to the reunion of my old rugby team. It was cool, nice to see them again. I was relaxed, felt better than the night before. I talked to the girlfriend of one of the players and her friend, and got a nice vibe going. Playful, and a bit naughty. Still innocent, but about the nicest interaction I could get without causing jealousy or anything awkward. It also felt nice to have such a vibe, after having such a sober time yesterday. I still wanted to be able to get into the special vibe without drinking. It worked, but I felt I was still in my head a lot and would slip out of state at points. I focused on having fun with the rugby guys but again, as I was staying sober and they were getting more drunk, the rapport lessened and I slipped into my head. At a certain point, I went off to say hi to another friend of mine who was nearby.

On the way, I met an old friend and talked to him, in the middle of which Fizmo appeared! We talked a bit more, then parted ways. I also went to see the other friend, but didn’t stay long. For some reason the vibe didn’t get me motivated, as they were drinking and getting in state that way, and I felt I couldn’t get there. On the other hand I felt a bit superficial for not being able to enjoy being with my friends. I still do.

I had a conversation with Nouvelle and Fizmo earlier in the day, about being a bit sick of it, not really believing in it anymore. Nouvelle was taking some time off, he didn’t want to be busy with it for a while. I could follow him, sometimes I also feel like just forgetting about all of it and carrying on like before, unconscious of all the things that now constantly spring to mind when I see people, approach people, interact with them… It’s counterproductive to be so conscious, and yet with all the things to pay attention to, I can’t help slipping into it. I mean, try being spontaneous in your approach when your head goes:’Three second rule. Just relax. Cool, social, fun guy, give value. Just have fun.’ and then ‘don’t give away your power. Don’t say anything AFC. Watch her emotional state. Do plotlines. Don’t go for rapport, be neutral or break rapport’. I guess it’s just too much, and it needs to sink in and become natural. But for the moment, it’s like a torrent of voices that diverts my attention and messes with my subcommunication. Anyway.

I went to the main party square with the rugby guys again, who were at this point thoroughly drunk. I met another friend of mine and stuck with him. He has a really nice, poetic energy. Calm, appreciative of beauty. I can also appreciate beauty, but he’s so much more chilled about it. It was nice to be around him, the first person that night that it felt good to be around, in the sense that it contributed to making me feel better towards my ‘mission’. The other people were kind of the ones that I don’t want to be, to the point of embarassment when I saw the rugby guys half harassing poor girls that were passing by… I did talk to one of them, a really nice Arabian girl, with the line ‘Are my friends hassling you?’, which made for a nice interaction. Lot of kino, also from her side. She had to go work though (she was a steward), so she left. I saw her later but it was seven in the morning and I didn’t feel like coming over as a drunk hangabout, so I didn’t talk to her anymore.

Then I went to my friend’s place and we had a drink there. I had two good conversations. One about the difficulty in combining relaxation and active pursuit (as I discussed before with Fizmo), with no real conclusion, but knowing that I’m not alone is comforting. And then I talked to my poetic friend, who indicated to me that I was disregarding vulnerability. I’m vulnerable, and so are other people. That’s what makes interactions so beautiful: you lay your vulnerability in someone’s hands and they accept you, and the other way around. That’s the kind of confidence I strive to inspire in women and men alike, to confide in me and feel at ease around with all of their being. Vulnerability. Very grateful for that one.

Went out again to that square, and finally relaxed. Got a bit drunk as well, having some Irish Coffees (the prerequisite drink there). And after standing around and chatting to some people, I saw how nice it was there. How special to see all these people outside in the sunlight, being drunk and wasted but still standing, and interacting in that magical atmosphere that I only know from the Ghent Festival. I felt like a gate had opened to that other world that only opens during the Ghent Festival, and walked in to find that no time had passed – ever since I came there first that vibe has been there, and it was still there. Beautiful. My conversations changed. Outcome: zero. Just talk. And as I was talking, my anxiety faded, and I actually started having fun! It sounds so stupid but it’s true. I get so blocked up in my expectations and thoughts, it’s crazy.

At some point, I was talking to a mate and he indicated two girls that he said were from Sweden. For some reason I feel comfortable around foreign people, so I walked up to them and asked if they were, and if so, if they spoke Spanish as every Swedish chick speaks the language. After three minutes, I found out they were just from Ghent. One of them was really nice, and we were like ‘How did we never meet before?’ It was a fabulous interaction, the one you dream of as a PUA. She constantly shit tested me, but also rewarded me every time I passed. Like she wanted me to pass, but also had to test me. It was beautiful. She commented on my clothes, what I said, constantly seeing if I’d look for approval, which I didn’t. At some point she got distracted and started talking to someone else, and I just walked off and came back ten minutes later. She said ‘Where did you go?!’ and I replied ‘Do you think I’m just going to stand around waiting for you?’ with a little smile of disbelief and staring straight into her eyes. She cooed (love it) and hugged me, saying ‘I like you’. And more of this; we went to a bar and started doing surf takeoffs (she also surfs, she was testing me to see if I’m a ‘real’ surfer the whole time), just fooling around. Lots of kino, hand holding, hugs… I may have been able to kiss her but didn’t.

At some point (at around nine in the morning ) I suggested we go to my place to have a drink and look at my board. She immediately said yes, so we went with her and her sister, and a friend. I played some guitar, she said something like: ‘I think I’m falling in love’ and things like that. They also really liked my appartment, which was nice. So it went smoothly. But then… (I know :d)

The guy asked me what the address was so his friend could come, and I replied vaguely as I thought it wasn’t important to get there, as no-one knows the street anyway. But they must have taken it the wrong way as ‘he doesn’t want anyone else around’, so they started planning to go again and I said I wasn’t coming, hoping the girl, Emma, would stay. I think she and they picked that up and before I knew it – boom! They were gone. I half tried to get her number (I said that if she was bumming for guitar lessons she should just come out and say it) but she flat out rejected me by saying she had a friend who could teach her the guitar, so why did she need me? Honestly, it was all over so quickly I only realised what happened once they were well and gone. I think I thoroughly blew it, also by bitching a bit (also jokingly in my head but probably not perceived as such) about the key that they used (I gave the sister and the guy the key because they were going to get cigarettes). I later found it lying on the cupboard.

I could kick myself. 95% perfect interaction, and then that lack of attention to the friend and sister… I was playing guitar with Emma (she strumming, me holding the chords) as the guy asked for the address, I was so into her that I didn’t notice, I thought I was IN! I’m still happy it happened but of course waking up with her head on my chest and my dick throbbing, or even her number in my phone, would have been considerably nicer. Ah well. At least I finally had a contact with someone who really tickled me and that I could hit it off with. It was like finally playing bit league, after messing around in smaller leagues, and finding out I can take it. In fact, I like it! Shit tests are such a strengthening thing if you pass them, it sent this surge of energy and assurance through my body every time I saw her being impressed with my reply and not succumbing to her reality. She would say stuff like ‘Oh, now you’ve really gone down in my eyes’, and I’d just be ‘So?’ and keep on talking. Beautiful.

Ghent Festival Day 1: Saturday with Kerri

Yesterday night, I went out with a bunch of my friends to a deep house party in one of the venues of the Ghent Festival. I was at a dinner with some other friends first, and only arrived in Ghent after midnight. Then I went to this friend’s place where we had a drink, after which we left for the party. I was feeling awake after having drunk two big cups of coffee, so I was up for it. I talked to the girlfriend of a really good friend of mine that I’d been having trouble talking with for some reason. But I just chatted, and it went fine. So that was a bit of a victory for me.

We went out; it was a big party with house DJ Kerri Chandler, they kind of hang around as a group, as groups do, and keep to themselves. At first I had the tendency to wander off on my own little adventures but then reminded myself I wanted to try being in one place more, and having things come to me. Stay with my base. So I forced myself to stay with my friends more, which is also a good thing. I did feel stupid standing there, not knowing what to say and feeling awkward, wanting to go elsewhere, but what does that say about me right? I have to say the feeling stuck with me most of the night; I did talk to some people and girls but none of them got any further than knowing each other’s name and being ok with each other. In a sense, that already felt good but no grand victories.

Am I staying in my comfort zone too much? What I do know is that I was stuck in my head big time. Really big time. Conscious, sober. All my friends were either drunk or something else, and I didn’t even have a drop of alcohol. That in itself is already a challenge, to be in a night club sober. But it’s one that I want to overcome; I want to be able to vibe naturally, without additives.

Where last week I felt like there was no depth, there was a lot of depth this week. I kept on being a bit too deep when I got into conversations, trying to infuse some realness, some of me into it. Which, in those settings, wasn’t necessarily the most apt thing to do. On the other hand, a good friend of mine came and talked to me about what he admires about me and what he sees in me that he hasn’t got, which touched me even though he was a bit drunk – I know it’s what he thinks. So if he can do it, why shouldn’t I? I just didn’t have that ‘juice’, that energy to open up my soul and let is shine in. The DJ was great and I could appreciate it, but it’s not like the sun shone through the clouds and I was filled with wonder and love. I’m wondering; should I get drunk or something so I can experience that release easier, and then use that as a reference? Release: of my ego, my expectations, my outcome I guess, even though my outcome is vague and undefined. I don’t know what I want from other people. I feel alone. I wonder if that is a thing I need to go through, to learn to be alone and be so fine with it that it doesn’t feel like being alone anymore, or if I’m being awkward and pushing myself to loneliness with my constant conscious rationality and expectations. I was telling myself:’Let go. Let go.’ But I couldn’t. On top of that, I’m horny as hell but when I’m in that setting, it’s like I feel out of place even considering being sexual with another human being. I feel like I’m approaching this soil where I get so frustrated by being locked up in my thoughts that something will snap and I’ll throw it all off, the release I crave. But I wish I could get there a bit less dramatically

I should also be thankful for the mirror it’s giving me: by putting myself out there I’m already going out of my comfort zone. By expecting more from myself than standing around with my friends I’m already challenged. I also tried to not expect anything anymore, and that worked but it didn’t entice me on either. I don’t want to blame the settings because I believe you can meet people and have adventures anywhere. Maybe I couldn’t do it there, which I think I should. But should I? Where am I really on the scale, and what’s the next step? I’m in the clouds somewhere. Yesterday afternoon, I had a flash of enlightenment for a second so in a way, I’m just waiting to break through the clouds and realise it was all a test, a phase I needed to go through.

So conclusion: I will persevere. I will go out there and put myself out there. I will continue to try. I will try structuring it, and I will try improvising. I will try a studied line that I like, or I’ll just surprise myself. I will tell stories, make jokes while trying not to be the dancing monkey. I will touch, tease and try to pull girls that I like. I will make new friends. I will be, and I will feel the life streaming through me as my heart pumps through my veins. I will accept where I am right now and work with that. I will love myself for the crazy, ambitious, pushy guy that I am. And I will do it… NOW.

Friday with Hayabusa

Yesterday evening, I went out with Haya. I was still feeling a bit empty and uninteresting after the previous weekend, but solid after a good week at work and doing a lot of sports (that really helps). So I knew I have a lot going for me, I just need to align my head right; I talked to him about this when he arrived, and I ended up making a list of my long term goals with women, mid-term and short term. The short term was meeting interesting people and women, having cool and challenging interactions that I could learn something from, and where I could possibly teach other people something. That motivated me and made things easier, softer, after which it became a lot nicer to approach people.

About Hayabusa: he was a bit tense and isn’t feeling too congruent, in my opinion. He did go and open some sets and they did talk to him, but the energy was wrong. But at least he did it. I was going more for the friendly atmosphere where the vibe is right off the bat, which is completely different as it doesn’t feel like approaching anymore, it’s more like turning to a good friend and saying something. But that has the drawback of being a bit too relaxed sometimes, and not getting you to the girls you want. At least that’s what I fear, as I can imagine taking your time with every person exudes something that’ll eventually get you where you want. I talked to Cruise about my dilemma with the consciousness-vibe thing, and he said it goes in cycles. You do, you become aware of your doings, you evaluate and take steps to improve. You consciously change your behaviour. You change. You do… and he’s right. He also gave me a good tip: to comment on the girl’s outfit, and start reading her from there. It generates interest because it’s about her, and you can do it with everyone.

So here lies one of the big secrets, for me, in pickup or any social situation: knowing what you’re there for, what the goal is. I wasn’t thinking about it all the time, but just when I ran out of steam a bit, it helped me get my bearings again. It made things clearer, easier, put a filter on my vision that allowed me to see where the people of interest for me were. I avoided talking to average people like before, and focused on people that I thought were worthwhile, like some people I knew and girls that looked nice. I had some pretty decent conversations, real ones for once, of which one with three girls on holiday here that were a bit reticent at the beginning but that I warmed up quite nicely in the end. I commented on the clothinf of one of them, which worked quite well, so thanks Cruise! I did leave a bit early and could’ve gotten more out of it I think. But still, it’s better than last week and I feel like it’s a good start. I’d love to scale the mountain in one step and sometimes I think ‘you could be doing so much better than this’ but I have to learn, and overcome my limitations. I also think the ‘could do better’ thing is a figment of my imagination. I imagine how good I will be and fill that with little flashes of when I was doing well at some point, to make myself believe I’m just that good. But on the whole, I’m not consistently good yet and I need more practice and not be disappointed with myself when a conversation doesn’t go as far or as well as I want it to. It’s just part of the game, and then next time I should improve on where I left off.

So there, time for the Ghent Festival!!!!!

Tuesday concert

On Tuesday, I went to a concert with a friend. There were two girls, his niece and a friend, Dana. She had a comb sticking out of her back pocket. I said she looked really sexy with that comb sticking out of her pants. She didn’t even know it was there, got a bit confused, I just kept a straight face and didn’t say much. We didn’t talk much but she seemed quite taken in by me after that (she had a strange nice but really nice body, petite and firm), and at the end of the night when we said goodbye, she kind of faltered and looked at me like: ‘Well?’ which is the sign to ask for the number or something, but I just said ‘See you next time’. Should I have asked for the number?

Three days later, my friend was there again when I called him, and he said she said hello. I told him to give her a big tongue for me. Didn’t get a reply, so it might not have been the best line. I just felt fun at the time

Wednesday night meditations

I’m at home. I went to meditate earlier, enjoyed the space. Reminded me of the calmness I experienced in Ireland, and of how hectic I make my life, how filled with thoughts I am again. I feel like going out, meeting some girls. On the other hand, I’m a bit listless and don’t really see the point. What girls? I can’t think of any fun ones. I know, it’s just me and I shouldn’t think like this. I could watch a movie but it feels like a waste of time. Everything feels like a waste of time, except sarging which is like my main goal in life. Don’t get me wrong: all the rest is doing great. My work, my friends, the house I bought… It’s all rolling. I guess I’m just becoming more and more ’single’ and outside the woman vibe. Need to talk to girls a bit more on a daily basis, as I’m becoming rusty.

After the nice conversation on Sunday, I’m hopeful though. Maybe not a good day to write stuff down today. I’m tired, better go to sleep.

Phoenix River is back.

In Ghent, a shitload of practical stuff fell onto my head which impeded me from doing more than catch up. One thing I did take home with me was the resolve to go out three times a week from now on, and get a minimum amount of approaches down. I’ll tell you why: I can also wait until the mood is right, go out with friends, have a good time and then naturally things will kind of flow and I’ll be able to go out of my comfort zone slightly and talk to some girls, but with backup. But looking at it, is that really conditioning myself to be able to be confident and comfortable at all times? And if it is, I’d say it’ll take me years to get anywhere. Which is not how I want to do this; I want to go at it, and feel the levels increase constantly. So here, pushing myself out of my comfort zone within a set structure feels like the thing to do to learn how to approach and be successful under any circumstances. So my deal: Thursday – Friday – Saturday and at least six women (or groups with women) approached, opened and as far as I can get. Here’s my first week:

Thursday

It was ten thirty, so I gave myself an hour and a half to get my six approaches. So it was going to be an intense hour and a half.

I started in a bar close by. I walked in, walked to the end of the bar and back. Near the entrance were two girls, with some papers on the bar in front of them. I walked by, looked over my shoulder and asked what they were doing. They were a bit taken aback but they answered, and we talked a bit. I did have to keep it going so I think they felt me as intrusive, not casual enough. I told some stories about my former roommate and other things, and it warmed up a bit but nothing really spectacular, more neutral-curious. After ten minutes, when I was running out of steam a bit, I said goodbye and left.

Next up, I went to a jazz bar nearby. I again walked through the bar, went to the toilet, walked out of the bar. There was a girl waiting, I asked her if she was waiting. She said yes, I said ok, she said for a friend of hers. We started talking, I can’t really remember what about, and then her friend joined. We talked some more and got a really nice vibe going, I kept chaining what they said loosely to anything that came to mind, creating an energetic vibe that they started following. So that was nice, I didn’t close though (I know I should).

Next was a concert that had just finished, so I opened three sets with ‘What concert was it’, and then the next about what the previous people had said about the concert I ended up with three girls and a guy, and we ended up talking for about three quarters of an hour. Just basic friendly chat, which was fine by me as I found it quite the challenge already to go out and talk to people just like that.

I then said goodbye, and went home. Evaluation: good effort, medium approaches (not very original) but the vibe was good, decent follow-up but no closing. My big sticking points: not daring to go for attraction and getting stuck in entertaining guy mode, not closing, not daring to speak to the people I’m really interested in.

Friday

On Friday, I watched some of the Transformations of RSD, with Tim and the first part of Ozzie. So my main points that I wanted to work on were:

- opening six sets
- The Rosetta stone:
* Not trying for rapport, but going for neutral to breaking rapport
* Going for emotional peaks (not trying to rationalise)
* Plotlines

I got together with some ‘normal’ friends in a bar in town. There were girls, all in groups around high tables. I couldn’t bring myself to approach, the best I got was talking to a girl that I didn’t know at the table we were sitting at, and asking a nice blonde the way to the toilet. It was not impressive. But I kept trying, and opened an older woman at the bar who quickly bored me. I met a friend of mine and het told me about a mutual friend who’d been in a car crash. That threw me off completely, I felt a bit weird for like an hour. But then it started picking up; we went to another bar, and I started talking to people. There was this one girl that I tried to approach, once direct, once through her friend, but didn’t manage to get through to her; she had a lot of guys around her all the time and was obviously used to the attention. I didn’t want to give it to her so I didn’t look her up, but then of course nothing happened either. Still, I’d rather not have talked to her than leave the impression that I’m a chump, and be able to talk to her at another time. I did kind of do something questionable before leaving. David, a mate of mine who also knew her, was standing around with her. When I went up to say goodbye I kind of pushed the girl aside, you know, to indicate ‘I don’t care’ and then he did the whole protective thing, like holding me away while she fled to his side. I kind of smiled at it and thought he was being a bit wussy, but on the other hand, it might not have been the right move. Maybe she thought I was gay or something. Ah well.

In between that, I did talk to some girls but none really nice, so I didn’t ask for any numbers. Haven’t asked for numbers in ages, as I don’t want or need them I guess. If it’s not for a one-night stand, I don’t know why I should call them. And to be honest, most of the time I end up talking to girls that I’m not really that keen on because they don’t make me feel so nervous. In a way, it’s crippling me. I should be going for the girls I like, but then I get so nervous that I don’t dare approach them. Or I do it all AFC and just want to ‘be nice’ because the self-confident guy gets overruled by the scared little reasonable rat. So I decided this week (after the weekend) to only go for people I really want to meet anymore; also for motivation, how can I stay motivated if I never get round to talking to the cool people because I’m ‘practising’? That’s like playing small league and never getting picked for the big games because you never even tried…

Saturday

Saturday I went out alone, and did my sets. That’s about all I’d say about it. I went to the same club, stopped a fight, got energised by that. I walked in but couldn’t find any good sets. Fizmo was also there and he didn’t like the girls there either. I always look at myself and think that I’m just not doing it right. But anyway – I did six sets as is my mission, and none of them went really well. I think I wasn’t emanating the right kind of energy. The best one, that stayed with me since, was this: I was walking through the place for the third time, when I noticed a slightly older woman smiling at me. She was ok, so I decided to go for it. I walked up to her, stood next to her with an excuse of ‘This is my spot’. I stood there a bit, then said something I can’t remember. She didn’t really reply well. Then I asked her why women always say they want a sweet, intelligent, attentive, faithful guy and then fall for jerks. She then replied – a classic – “I think you should just relax and enjoy the music a bit more”. I was not surprised, actually, that she said that. I should probably have said that she was right and started a conversation about how I was feeling – the set was over anyway – but I just saluted her and walked away after standing there for five minutes. I felt put in place, but in a constructive way.

Sunday

I worked all Sunday and then went for an ice cream. I was talking to some friends and then noticed a women sitting there, taking notes and looking around. A writer, poet, whatever. So when my friends left I took a little detour, walked right up to her and said ‘What are you writing?’. She kind of shielded her booklet and didn’t want to say, I didn’t insist but said I thought she was with the festival that they were building up there for the next week, taking notes about the accoustics. She laughed, and it was on. We sat there talking for about an hour and a half until I had to leave. We talked about being conscious, writing… all good stuff. She would touch me and I’d be like ‘I didn’t give you permission to touch me’ and then I’d touch her, and she’d look at me like I was a harassor. Near the end I said ‘Funny how you like coming into people’s spaces yet defend anyone coming into yours’. That took her by surprise Anyway, it was a good conversation but she was defensive and very wary of telephone numbers (she even told me a story of how she had predicted someone would ask her number, wrote it down on a paper and when he asked her, she showed him the paper. So when I left, I didn’t ask for her number but she did give me her email address. I said ‘I didn’t ask for your email address’ and she laughed, and said she’d rather leave it to fate.

In hindsight, I could’ve told her the story about the two people that fell in love but wanted to leave it to fate and never saw each other again, but I wasn’t that enamoured by her. It would feel like lying. This is something I’ve been thinking about lately as well: I want to be myself, not lie or invent something. Every time I do that, I stand further away from myself and my true power. So I might have to start really low and build my whole story up from there, but I think it’s the only consistent way.

Anyway; I left with her email, but didn’t mail yet. I wouldn’t know what to say really. Any tips?