I went out yesterday but felt bad. I broke up with my LTR recently, because I wasn’t in love enough with her (a relationship built out of a needy frame with me being afraid to break up for not wanting to be alone). But we stayed friends, or tried to. We had sex regularly, and spent time together. Yesterday, she was supposed to come at nine, leave at nine thirty and then a friend of mine was coming over. She came at ten, carrying all kinds of stuff with her that she wanted to show me. Five minutes into the conversation, my friend calls to say that he’s five minutes away, so I started to get nervous. I basically kicked her out, and she was in a bad mood, and started running a sudden fever.
So that’s how that night started; me feeling guilty for kicking her out, and weak for not having a strong enough frame so she always comes one step too close, and then having to hurt her by pushing her away. I would like to be friends with her, and see her, and have sex, but not an LTR. Sometimes I grow tired of having to explain this frame over and over, of having to justify it or make people understand. I know that ultimately, I shouldn’t, but I guess this is a remnant of my old way of doing things still embedded in my convictions. What do you think?
By the way, I’ve decided to drop routines for a while and to focus on having good conversations with girls, and go from there.
Anyway, we went out, I had two truly terrible opening sets (in one of them, the last sentence was: ‘That’s none of your business’…), and then things started picking up; I talked to a guy while my wing talked to his female companion, and the guy turned out to be a good friend of that ex… Anyway, nice guy :-/
Then we started talking to some Polish guys that were accompanied by a beautiful buxom blonde. Turns out she’s Spanish, which is a language I happen to master… Needless to say she was happy to speak some Spanish, and we had a great conversation about her lazy eyes (those mediterranean ’sleepy’ eyes that are so sensual) and Spanish coffee. Then she had to leave; I went outside to check my phone and as she came out told her to stop following me. She laughed, we talked a bit more and I asked her for her number. Then she asked me to give her a call; she was interested indeed… I think I should’ve carried it further but my inner unrest caused me to end it on the high, and I said goodbye. This episode got me on a high and was kind of the high point of the evening. I know, it could be better.
After that, we met some other ‘colleagues’ and talked about frames and so on; it was about picking only the women that really interest you on a physical and mental level, or just talking to lots of girls and enjoying different levels of intimacy. I’m more a fan of the second, how about you?
We ended in a cocktail bar, where we talked a bit to the bartenders and a drunk guy that was trying to get together with one of them. I started talking to her, teasing her, and she left together with us to go to the night shop. We walked together and had a nice conversation; she was a night person, a hired gun, so she was used to the attention and could handle the neg humour well; I like that in a woman! But in the end, we said goodbye and I went home and crashed.
Why am I writing all this? It seems like a rather uneventful, dull evening really. I expect more of myself to be honest. But I also want to be honest about my down moments; it’s not all roses and moonshine and being able to process these moments is as important as getting success. I’m writing it down because I think I didn’t handle it well; I was stuck in my head and felt incongruent, not someone who could give value. I hoped someone would pick me up, because I felt unable to do so myself. When I woke up this morning, it was a lot better already – sleep will do that for you 
I went for lunch with a girl friend of mine and the sun started shining. Still, there is some seed inside me that I need to work on. I can’t seem to get the overview of myself, can’t pinpoint what exactly I’m doing wrong or where the inconsistency is that’s making me insecure. Any ideas?
Thanks,
Phoenix
